Eye Surgery

Hello everyone, Well as you can see I have been out of action for the last few days, after having cataract surgery at Wangaratta hospital. Carol has been staying with me since my birthday, looking after me & making sure I dont do anything I'm not meant to be doing . I left hospital with my eye taped shut and and had to leave this shield on till I saw my specialist the next morning when it was removed, I could read most of the chart on the wall , and only had to wear the shield for 3 nights and have to use drops 4 times a day for 3 weeks. Next Tuesday I have to go back and have a small cyst like lesion removed from under my right eye and healed before the Dr will do my right cataract, then hopefully I will only need glasses for reading.

OHHHH dear .. Carol just drove in from going down the shops .. YES I'm in a bit of trouble, just got caught out ... not meant to be on the computer and its time for my drops.

Just a couple of jokes tonight, Ill be around to visit you all as soon as I'm able.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Farmer

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into awell. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway;
it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him.

They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing.

He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.

The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping,never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

NOW ............ Enough of that crap . . The donkey later came back,
and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected and
the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, try to cover your ass

,as it always comes back to bite you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men
along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to
stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the
lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over
there,under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, too."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also ha ve
a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as
large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,
"Sir, you are too kind Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place.
The grass is almost a foot high."

~~~~~~~~

Wisdom of Older Women
After being marriedfor 42 years I took a carefull look at my wife one day and said."Honey, 42 years ago we had a cheap apartment A cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white television,, But i got to sleep every night with A hot 19year old girl.

NOW I HAVE A $500,000 HOME, A $45,000 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, But im sleeping with a 61year old women.

"It seems to me that your not holding up your side of things."

MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN.

She told me to go out and find a hot 19year old girl. , And she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment,driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10 inch black and white television ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.
AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT?

THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISIS.
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Time for a little laughter

Gday everyone. Hope your all well where ever you maybe.Im feeling very relieved now my results are in from last tests. specialst doesn't need to see me for 12 months, Yippeee. but will see my Doctor in a couple weeks for my 3 monthly routine check up.
Ill be out and about getting a few more photo's of the lake in the nxt few days as its filling quickly ,a few more feet to go.

So tonight putting a little laughter into our lives with a few jokes . Enjoy .

THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!

If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill... barefoot. BOTH ways.

Yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up,There was no way in hell I was going to lay A bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it And how easy they've got it!

But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of Thirty,

I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy!

I mean, compared to my Childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you Don't know how good you've got it!I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet If we wanted to know something,

We had to go to the damn library and Look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write Somebody a letter, with a pen! .....Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3's or Napsters!

You wanted to Steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you Were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it !

and we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!

When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school,Your mom, your boss, your Bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you Just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation videoGames with high-resolution 3-D graphics!

We had the Atari 2600!With gamesLike 'Space Invaders' and 'asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You Actually had to use your Imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or Screens, it was just one screen Forever!And you could never win.

The game just kept getting Harder and harder and Faster and faster until you died!

Just like LIFE

! You had to use a Little book called a TV Guide to find out what was On!

You were screwed when it Came to channel surfing! You had to get off Your ass and walk over to the TV to change the Channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons On Saturday Morning.

Do you Hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait

ALL WEEK

For cartoons, you spoiled Little rat-bastards!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat Something up we had to use the stove ... Imagine that! That's exactly what I'm talking about!

You kids Today have got it too easy.

You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted Five minutes back in 1980!

Regards,The over 30 Crowd

*~*~*~*

The Postman

One Monday morning the Postman is motorcycling through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail.

As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by Derek, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and wine bottles for the recycling bin.
''Morning, Derek, looks like you guys had a great party last night!" the Postman comments. Derek, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night.
This is the first time I've felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.
We had about fifteen couples, from around the neighbourhood, over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild.
We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing
'WHO AM I.'
The Postman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play 'WHO AM I?" "Well, All the guys go into the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet.
Then the women try to guess who it is."

The Postman laughs and says, "Sounds like fun.

I'm sorry I missed that."

'Probably a good thing you did,' Derek responded.

'Your name came up seven times....'

~~~~~~~

THE BOTTLE OF WINE

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish
you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see
a bottle of wine:
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona
when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the
Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with
the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at
everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown
bag on the seat next to Sally.
'What in bag?' asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine.
I got it for my husband.'
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
'Good trade

*~*~*~*~*~*

A senior citizen

A Southampton senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car saleroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M27, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more.Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, bluelights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly gent as he floored it to 110 mph, then 120, then 130 mph. Suddenly, he thought,

"What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!"

So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes.

Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend.

If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.

"The man looked very seriously at the policeman and replied, "Years ago, My wife ran off with a policeman.

I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman.

*~*~*~*~*

It's time for a some laughter

Grandma
I was out walking with my 4-year-old granddaughter.

She picked up something from the ground and started to put it in her mouth.

I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
"Why?" my granddaughter asked.

"Because it's been on the ground; you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs," I replied.

At this point, my granddaughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Grandma, how do you know all this stuff?

You are so smart."

I was thinking quickly. "All Grandma 's know this stuff.

It's on the Grandma test.

You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Grandma."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

"Oh.....I get it!" she beamed,

"So if you don't pass the test you have to be the Grandpa."

"Exactly," I replied with a big smile on my face.

`~~~~~~~~

A story of a burglar

The bold burglar

He opened the window, and then crept in As quiet as a mouse

.He looked around for a place to hide,'Till the folks were all asleep,

Then said he, "With their money I'll take a quiet sneak."So under the bed the burglar crept;He crept up close to the wall;

He didn't know it was an old maid's room Or he wouldn't have had the gall.

He thought of the money that he would steal

,As under the bed he lay but at nine o'clock he saw a sight That made his hair turn gray

.At nine o'clock the old maid came in;"I am so tired," she said

;She thought that all was well that night so she didn't look under the bed.

She took out her teeth and her big glass eye, and the hair from off her head.

The burglar, he had forty fits as he watched from under the bed.

From under the bed the burglar crept,he was a total wreck.

The old maid wasn't asleep at all and she grabbed him by the neck

.She didn't holler, or shout or call, She was as cool as a clam,

She only said, "The Saints be praised,

At last I've got a man!"From under the pillow a gun she drew,,and to the burglar she said,"Young man, if you don't marry me,I'll blow off the top of your head!

"She held him firmly by the neck,He hadn't a chance to scoot

He looked at the teeth and the big glass eye,

And said, "Madam, for Pete's sake, shoot!"

~~~~~~~~

The Blonde

I prefer to think that Blondes (bless their hearts) are all LATERAL THINKERS?

Another Blonde moment A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates

'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T' '?

The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?'

The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.

' So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought

(I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions,

to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter,

'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?' The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow

.St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions? St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!' 'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?' 'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.

' St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.'

And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven.

How, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions,

I found this the easiest to answer.' 'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

'It's Andy.' 'Andy??' 'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that,deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?' 'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled.' And the blonde entered Heaven...

~~~~~~~~~

Technically Challenged?

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard , the 11 year
old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to
come over.
Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID
ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error
before?''
No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it
out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little shit.

~~~~~~~~~

Irish versus Blonde
Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.Paddy replied,

'We're supposed to be finding the fook'n height of this flagpole, but we don't have a fook'n ladder.

'The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.

She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches..

.Then, she walked off.Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde! We need the fook'n height and she gives us the fook'n length.'

*~*~*~*

Grandma's Apron

UPDATE
New fires threaten Victoria
The foothills of the Dandenong Ranges are the new fire front in Victoria, closer to Melbourne than the Black Saturday fires.

~~~~~~

G'day everyone, I hope your all well and healthy were ever you maybe .
. Im well.Just been doing the normal home duties, a little gardening ,and resting my foot. . and just trying to stay cool.. the Temps are on the rise again

The History of 'APRONS'

I don't think our kids know what an apron is.

The principal use of Grandma's apron was to protect the dress underneath,because she only had a few,it was easier to wash aprons than dresses and they used less material, but along with that, it served as a potholder for removing hot pans from the oven.

It was wonderful for drying children's tears, and on occasion was even used for cleaning out dirty ears.

From the chicken coop, the apron was used for carrying eggs, fussy chicks, and sometimes half-hatched eggs to be finished in the warming oven.

When company came, those aprons were ideal hiding places for shy kids.

nd when the weather was cold, grandma wrapped it around her arms.

Those big old aprons wiped many a perspiring brow, bent over the hot wood stove.

Chips and kindling wood were brought into the kitchen in that apron.

From the garden, it carried all sorts of vegetables.

After the peas had been shelled, it carried out the hulls.

In the fall, the apron was used to bring in apples that had fallen from the trees

.When unexpected company drove up the road, it was surprising how much furniture that old apron could dust in a matter of seconds.

When dinner was ready, Grandma walked out onto the porch, waved her apron, and the men knew it was time to come in from the fields to dinner.

It will be a long time before someone invents something that will replace that

' old-time apron' that served so many purposes

Aprons.REMEMBER:

Grandma used to set her hot baked apple pies on the window sill to cool.

Her granddaughters set theirs on the window sill to thaw.

They would go crazy now trying to figure out how many germs were on that apron.

I don't think I ever caught anything from an apron.

~~~~~~~~~`

NO Speak English

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

V

V
V
V

What were you
thinking?
Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!

~~~~~~~~~

The Ballerina
heard this one the other day:

A husky brawny woman wearing a pink sleeveless frilly sun top walks into a bar.

She raised her right arm revealing a very hairy armpit and yelled:

"Who will buy a lady a drink?"

All become silent in the bar until a skinny little Irish drunk at the end of the bar says, "Bartender!

I'll buy that ballerina a drink!"

The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down.

After she's finished she raises her arm once again and yells

"Who will buy a lady a drink? "

Once more, the bar grew silent as everyone tried to not look her way

.Once more the drunk declared:

"Bartender!

I' ll buy the ballerina a beer!"

This went on for several more rounds when the bartender leans into the Irishman and says:

"It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her the ballerina?" The drunk replied, "Sir! In my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

~~~~~~~``

TWO OLDIES.
Two old men decided they are close to their last days and decide to have the last night on the town.

After a few drinks ,they end up at the local brothel .

0The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager go upto the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll into each bed.

These two are so old and drunk im not wasting two of my girls on them they wont know the difference. The manager does as he is told and the old men go upstairs and take care of their business .

As they are walking home the first man says,"you know"I think my girl was dead !"DEAD"says his friend . Why do you say that ?

Well! she never moved or made a noise all the time I was loving her .

His friend said "could be worse I think mine was a witch. "A WITCH"?

Why the bloody hell would you say that ?

Well i was making love to her ,kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite .

Then she farted and flew out the bloody window .......

Took my teeth with her.

~~~~~~~~~

KIDS

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a lollipop and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: 'There's a car being towed from the parking lot', he shouted. 'An Ambulance just drove by.' 'Looks like the Anderson 's have company', he called out. 'Matt's riding a new bike....' 'Looks like the Sanders are moving' 'Jason is on his skate board....'
After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!' Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out,

'How do you know they are having sex?'
" Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a lollipop."

~~~~~~~~

William Shakespeare:
Do as the heavens have done, forget your evil;

With them forgive yourself.

Ella Wheeler Wilcox:
The truest greatness lies in being kind

the truest wisdom in a happy mind.

George Bernard Shaw:
We are made wise not by the recollection of our past,

but by the responsibility for our future.

Helen Keller:
I do not want the peace that passeth understanding.

I want the understanding which bringeth peace.

Mark Twain:
The perfection of wisdom, and the end of true philosophy is to proportion our wants to our possessions, our ambitions to our capacities, we will then be a happy and a virtuous people.

Time for some Laughter

Gday Everyone, Hope your all well were ever you maybe..

,I went to doctors for my 3 monthly checkup.

and a sore foot . got a good report. But done some ligament damage to my foot so its stapped up just have to rest it..

This fibre glass bowls Cow is at the entrance the Shepparton Park Bowling Club

.

Today I went with Bowlers from our Club as spectators

to the Australian Open bowls championships held in Shepparton ..

Were bowlers from all over Australia came to compete. There was also competitors from new Zealand and Ireland .. OHHH we saw some good bowling today. The Finals are telivised live Saturday so will watch that from my lounge room chair.....

Sorry Merle couldn't call in we had a bus load..

.

Now on with a few Jokes

Poor Paddy

Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers.
He went to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital.
The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'.
Paddy said, 'Oi haven't got da fingers.'
'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers?
Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2007!
We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.
I could have put dem back on and made you like new!

Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'
And Paddy said, ' How da fock was I 'spose to pick them up !!!

*********

Little boy on the Bus

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.
'The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.
'The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.
'The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!
'The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,

'Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.
*********

Tickle Me Elmo

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes The Tickle Me Elmo toys.

The toy laughs when you tickle It under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole Line is backing up, putting the entire production line Behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for Himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there Are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're Really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains Of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece Of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to Carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .
'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you Yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

*********

GOLF LESSONS

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee, whileAnother foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tees.
The ladies are taking their time.
When the final lady isReady to hit off, she hacks the ball ten feet, she goes over and whiffs it completely.then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet.
She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically,"I guess all those f****** lessons I took over the winter didn't help.
"One of the men immediately responds,
"Well, there you have it, you should have taken golf Lessons instead!
"He never even had a chance to duck.

~~~~~~

The love story of Ralph and Edna...

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past

the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him.

She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.

I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.

I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied,

'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.

How soon can I go home?
~~~~~~~~

Thats all folk I promise to get around to visiting you all in the next couple of days..

"CHRISTMAS"

HO! HO! HO!

MERRY CHRISTMAS

Gday Everyone.

I hope all is well where ever you may be , and your'e all underway with your Christmas preparations.

Ive had a hectic few days, Gwen and Myself travelled down to Melbourne for my Dear friends 50th wedding anniversary surprise party.

We stayed at my Son Gary's & Christine's Saturday & Sunday evening, my daughter Joanne, Colin and family along with friends Marc & Kristy came for a few drinks and catch up on some gossip.

Sunday; Christine & Alyce drove us over to the party and picked us up again afterwards a great time was had by all.

Monday afternoon I drove home,had an early night after many late ones Tuesday played Pennant at Wangaratta Wednesday off to bowls for Xmas break up Thursday check up at Doctors he was very pleased with me and Friday off to the hairdressers and some much needed Christmas Shopping!!

This Christmas Spirit Award was kindly passed on to me by Hootin' Anni. Thank you.dear Anni.

.Here are the rules of this award.

You must be a true Christmas lover to receive this award.

You must link back to who gave you the award.

You must list 5 things that you love about Christmas.

Pass it on to however many you like, but to at least one person to keep the Christmas cheer going.

Let the recipients know you have tagged them.

Five things I love about Christmas.

1 Sending and recieving many cards and Christmas wishes from family and friends

2 Watching Carols by Candlelight. and going around looking at all the Christmas lights with family Christmas eve.

3 Waking up Christmas Morning with family and watching the grandchildren open there gifts with delight. then spending the day with them.

4 Boxing day .Preparing and waiting for all my Family and friends to arrive

5 Love having all my family together at my home for Christmas holidays

In the true Christmas spirit I pass this award on to all my friends..

So please keep the Christmas Cheer going.

. ~~~~~~~

Now time for a little humour

Christmas Office Party

After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night.

Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "

You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."

"He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!"

"You did.

All over his suit, " Louise informed him.

"And he fired you."

"Well, screw him," said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."
~~~~~~~~

SCOTTISH LOGIC

A Scotsman calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, I hate to ruin your day, laddie but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

We cannae stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says. 'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.'

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like hell they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this,'
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT getting divorced.

Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says, 'they're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'

~~~~~~~

The Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a Christmas gift.

The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Everything the bird said was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back.

John shook the parrot and the parrot became angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed and swore.

Then suddenly there was total quiet.

Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened thedoor to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said:
"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.

I'm sincerely remorseful for my transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.

" John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"

~~~~~~~

A few one liners

What beats his chest and swings from Christmas cake to Christmas cake? Tarzipan !

Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas ? No you can have turkey like everyone else !

What did the eskimos sing when they got there Christmas dinner ? "Whalemeat again, don't
know where, don't know when " !

What did the big cracker say to the little cracker ?My pop is bigger than yours !

Who is never hungry at Christmas ?The turkey - he's always stuffed !

What bird has wings but cannot fly ? Roast turkey !

Whats the best thing to put into a Christmas cake ?Your teeth !

We had grandma for Christmas dinner ?Really, we had turkey !

Whats happens if you eat the Christmas decorations ?You get tinsel-itus !

What do vampires put on their turkey at Christmas ? Grave-y !

~~~~~~~

Happy CHRISTMAS To All!

CHEERS \_/ \_/ \_/

~~~~~~~~~

Harry

G'Day everyone ,
Not a lot to report on tonight, Had a very quiet weekend , today we played pennant lawn bowls against Tungamah
and had a nice win, our rink won by 16 shots and overall by 25 shots..
Thats all folk. Im off to have an early night..
Now on with a few Jokes

This is a real educational one so thought I would post it.

What Starts with F and ends with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem ?

'Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade.

My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too !

'Ms. Brooks had had enough.

She took Harry to the principal's office.While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test.

If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.

She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal : 'What is 3 x 3 ?'Harry : '9.'

Principal : What is 6 x 6 ?'Harry : '36.

'And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,

'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'Ms. Brooks says to the principal,' Let me ask him some questions.'
The principal and Harry both agreed

.Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of ?'Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'Ms Brooks:

'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have ?

'The principal wondered why would she ask such a question !Harry replied : 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks : 'What does a dog do that a man steps into ?'Harry : 'Pants.

'Ms. Brooks : What starts with a C , ends with a T , is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid ?'Harry : ' Coconut.

'The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks :' What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky ?'The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks : 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs ?'Harry : 'Shake hands.'The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks : 'What word starts with an 'F ' and ends in ' K ' that means a lot of heat and excitement ?'Harry : 'Fire truck.

'The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,'

Put Harry in the fifth-grade,

I got the last seven questions wrong.....'

~~~~~~~~

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed,sweating and panting.
'What's up?' she asks.

'I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband.

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says,'Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!

'The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door.

Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor

.'You rotten 'Bitch', she screams.

'My husband's having a heart attack,

and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!'

~~~~~~`

Three males were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.

He told them that their mode of transport in heaven would be decided by their answers to 2 questions

He asked the first male how long he had been married and how many times he had been unfaithful.

'Twenty years and only a couple of transgressions' he replied. '

Well you get a Mini then', said St Peter

St. Peter asked the 2nd male the same question. 'Twenty five years and only unfaithful once' said the 2nd man. 'Your vehicle is a Holden, he was told The third man proudly replied that he had been married for 30 years and had never been unfaithful. St. Peter told him that he would get the top of the range in transport - a BMW ! So off the three drove in their vehicles. Several days later St. Peter spotted the third man sitting in his BMW with his head on the steering wheel, crying his eyes out. 'Whatever is the matter' St. Peter asked 'you got the top car, why are you crying'? 'I just saw my wife go past on a skateboard', was the reply.

~~~~~~~

Flirt

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party.

The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party.

As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was! not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice 'chick' he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.

She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. 'Oh, the same old thing.

You know I never have a good time when you're not there.'

Then she asked, 'Did you dance much?' He replied, 'I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance.

When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.'

'You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!' she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied,

'Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life.'

~~~~~~~~~~

Yesterday is history.

Tomorrow a mystery.]

Today is a gift.

That's why it's called the present!

Hope these jokes bought a little laughter to your day.

Cheers \_/\_/\_/

A Little laughter

Hi everyone, Hope your all well and happy where ever you maybe. Im very well and had a busy week. Been to Dr's for 3 month check up a good report ,went to hairdressers had my hair cut, called into my Pauline's and had a cuppa, Gwen also called on her way home so the kettle went on again for another cuppa and a chin wag. Ive also bowled a couple times. We (Our Club) had Pennant practice played against Tungamah and won by 52 shots. Hope we can keep this up as 1st game of pennant starts Tuesday against last years premiers Rutherglen will be a hard match.
Well folk its a beautiful sunny day so I am off outside camera in hand to spend a couple of hours in the garden .

I promise to visit you all in the next few days ,. Cheerio For now..

Now on with a few jokes

~~~~~~~~

A man walked into the produce section of his local Coles supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room the boy said to the manager 'Some old b****rd wants to buy half a head of lettuce.' As he finished his sentence he turned to find the man standing right behind him so he quickly added 'and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.'

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier.

We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?'
' New Zealand sir' the boy replied.
'Well why did you leave New Zealand ?' the manager asked.
The boy said 'Sir there's nothing but whores and rugby players there

.' 'Really' replied the manager?

'My wife is from New Zealand !'
'Really ? '

replied the boy,

'Who'd she play for ?'
~~~~~~~~~~

Critical information for the well being and good operation of your mouse balls.
I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face.
This was a real memo sent out by IBM to its employees in all seriousness.

It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem.

The author of this memo was quite genuine.

The engineers rolled on the floor!

Especially note the last couple of sentences.

'If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).

Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, a replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.

Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse.

Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method.

Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method.

Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive.

However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.

It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

\Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.

Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.'
~~~~~~~~~~

The Hypnotist at the Seniors Centre

It was entertainment night at the Seniors Centre and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced: unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotise each and every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude with drew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.

It's a very special watch.

It's been in my family for six generations.He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting:

'watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch

'The crowd became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

'Shit,' said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Seniors Centre.

~~~~~~

IT STARTED WITH THE FROG.
little boy about 12 years old walked down the street dragging a
flattened frog on a string behind him.
He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the
door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he
wanted.
He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the
money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it'.
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she
told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any venereal diseases?'
Of course the Madam said no.
He said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after
making love with Amber, THAT'S the girl I want'.
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it,
the cynical Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed amphibian behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the
Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in
the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'
He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents
are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a
baby-sitter.
After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she
just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get
the Dose that I just caught.
When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the
way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the dose.
Then when Dad gets home Mum, will catch it. In the morning when Dad
goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with
Mum and catch the clap, and HE'S the b***ard I want to get ... coz he
ran
over my FROG!'

~~~~~~~

'OLD' IS WHEN...

.Your sweetie says,

'Let's go upstairs

And make love,

' and you answer,

'Pick one; I can't do both!

''OLD' IS WHEN..

.Your friends compliment you

On your new alligator shoes

And you're barefoot.

~'OLD' IS WHEN..

.A sexy babe catches your fancy

And your pacemaker opens the garage door,'

OLD' IS WHEN...

'Getting lucky' means you find your car

In the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...

An 'all nighter' means not getting up

To use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN...

You are not to sure that these are jokes?

~~~~~~~~`

CHEERS \_/\_/\_/All have a great day . Jen

The Sneeze

.Hi everyone, hope your all feeling on top of the world where ever you maybe.We have had beautiful weekend with plenty of sunshine .Saturday I stayed indoor and watched the AFL( Australian Football League ) GRANDFINAL on Television.

Today I spent the day in the garden weeding and tidying up , took a few photo's I will down load them in the next few days..


Now on with a few Jokes.



INNOCENCE IS PRICELESS
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.
''Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque.

'Pastor, what is this?

The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.'

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,

'Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?'
~~~~~~~~

A farmer stopped by the local garage to have his truck fixed.

They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home on the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.

He then stopped by the cattle Market and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, struggling along outside the Market he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost and could he tell her how to get to Barton Place,

The farmer said
"as a matter of fact, my farm is only a little further down the road I would show you but I just can't carry this lot".

The old lady said "Why don't you put the tin of paint in the bucket then carry that in one hand and put a chicken under each arm and carry the Goose with your free hand".

"Why thank you" the farmer said and off they walked together.
A little further on the Farmer said "lets take a short cut up the alley and across the field, it will save time".

The little old lady stares at him for a while then says "I am a lonely widow with no one to defend me , how do I know when we go up that way you won't pin me against the wall lift my skirt and have your wicked way with me".

The farmer immediately said "how the hell could I do that with my arms full of this stuff"
The old lady comes straight back with "put the Goose down cover it with the bucket, trap it with the paint on top and give me the Chickens to hold".

~~~~~~~

The Flirt
A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party.

The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party.

As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was! not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice 'chick' he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.

She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. 'Oh, the same old thing.

You know I never have a good time when you're not there.

' Then she asked, 'Did you dance much?' He replied, 'I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.'

'You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!' she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, 'Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life.'
~~~~~~

Italian Priests

Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained.

The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while
a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told
that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not
be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no
reaction.

She proceeded down the line with the same response from all
the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos.

Poor Carlos.
As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off onto
the ground.
Embarrassed, Carlos quickly bent over to pick it up....
......then all the other bells started to ring
~~~~~~~

The Sneeze

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed again.

As before she used a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, 'Icouldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose,and then shuddered violently.

Are you OK?

'I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a very rare medical condition.

Whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.

'The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. 'I have never heard of that condition before,' he said.

'Are you taking anything for it?

'The woman nodded.

'Pepper.'

~~~~~~

And to end with a little Quote

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING

FOR THE STORM TO PASS.

IT'S ABOUT LEARNING

TO DANCE IN THE RAIN!

Hope these jokes bought a little laughter to your day.

Cheers \_/\_/\_/