Saturday, March 28, 2009

Gday all, Sorry Ive been in the land of the missing, just didnt feel up to blogging.
So what have I been doing, Not alot, the normal chores around the house and garden , shopping, im back bowling after having a couple of weeks off.
My family all came up for Gwens Funeral and stayed a couple of nights with me before returning home,.
Carol has now gone home after spending nearly 3 weeks in Yarra looking after Kayne, Rylie and Maddison While MUM and Dad (Brett and Donna) were away in Hawaii on business.
I promise to get around to visiting you all in the next day or two
Now on with a few photo's

Donna packing a few last minute items into their cases

Donna, Myself (Jen)and Carol
having a couple of drinks before they leave for Hawaii
L/R: Emily, Rylie, Maddison .Carol, Donna and Brett back home celebrating Rylie's 12th birthday

We had a nice dinner on the Deck at the local pub

A View of the newly refurbished Deck of the local pub over looking the lake.

Carol shouting a round of drinks,A very tired looking Brett after just returning home. from their trip.

Donna lighting the candles on the icecream birthday cake

Rylie blowing out the candles with Maddison's help with Mum and Dad looking on.
Thats all tonight folk


Sunday, March 22, 2009

My Heartfelt thanks

My Family and I thank one and all for your lovely words thoughts and prayers on the loss of our Dear friend Gwen..

I passed on all your messages of sympathy to Brian and he would like to
thank everyone in return.


Friday, March 13, 2009

My "Mate" Gwen

Forever in My Heart

My dearest "mate" Gwen passed away yesterday 12th March, 2009.

Gwen was diagnosed with advanced aggressive pancreatic and liver cancer 2 weeks ago. Her battle was short and bravely fought.
My deepest and most heartfelt sympathy to Brian, Gavin Janine, Damien, Drew & Nicole.

Gwen was one of lifes "true" characters
She was always there to lend a helping hand,
a shoulder to lean upon, and a tissue when needed,

She was my partner in crime, and loved to have a really good time,
She never said "NO" to a brandy & dry,
Always had a joke on hand or a tall tale to tell,
Many great memories of good times shared

Forever in my heart and thoughts
A great "mate" and companion who will be dearly missed

Rest In Peace

Friday, March 06, 2009

Senior Merriment

Gday everyone, I have had a very quiet week, Nothing to report. Emily has gone home to visit her family for the weekend,I thought of going with her, but im slowly getting over a heavy cold, Thumping headache, runny nose and barking like a seal.and didnt feel up to the 3hr drive besides didnt want to pass it on to the family and Grandkids...
Ill be around visiting you all as soon as I feel up to it...
Now on with a few jokes

The Little old lady
Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st? Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago. Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years! Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled,

"April Fool!"

And that's when I shot him, the little bastard got his just deserts.

The Afterlife

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact.

'Mary! Mary!'' Is that you Fred?

''Yes, I've come back as we agreed.'

'What's it like?

''Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night.
The next day it all starts again'.'

Oh Fred, you surely must be in heaven.

''Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Suffolk!!'


The Jar

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet! An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as it was on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.

Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help.

She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing .

She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arlene, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?' The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.


`Death notice

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.

No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.

" Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."


Bed time

Husband: Oh, come on.
Wife: Leave me alone!
Husband: It won't take long.
Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Husband: I can't sleep without it.
Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Husband: Because I'm Hot.
Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Husband: You don't love me anymore.
Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Husband: Please...come on
Wife: Alright, I'll do it.
Husband: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Wife: I can't find it.
Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Wife: There! Are you satisfied?
Husband: Oh, yes.
Wife: Is it up far enough?
Husband: ! Oh, that's good.
Wife: Now go to sleep, and from now on when you want the window open,
do it yourself.

Now, what were you expecting?


Old Farts' Golf

Arthur is 90 years old.

He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.

one day he arrives home looking downcast."That's it," he tells his wife.

"I'm giving up golf.

My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went.

"His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea.

As they sit down, she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try.""That's no good," sighs Arthur. "

Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help.""He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect.

"So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.

He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?""Of course I did!" replies the brother-in-

law. "I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.

"I don't remember."


Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,

the good fortune to run into the ones I do,

and the eyesight to tell the difference.



Sunday, March 01, 2009

Emily and a little laughter

G'day Everyone.. I hope alls well in your part of the world. I'm on top of the world as my lovely Grandaughter Emily, Gary and Christine's daughter has come to stay with me, while she is studying Nursing at La Trobe University in Albury Wodonga.
Why stay at Nans? Well Gary and Christine live 4hrs drive away from La Trobe Uni. and Im only 5o mins away , making it a lot easier for Emily to travel to Uni. each day..And I must say Im loving her being here , some one to cook for and enjoy a meal with.

Emily's boyfriend Jarryd came Friday to visit her and stayed for the weekend, a lovely weekend has been had by all.

My Lovely Grandaughter Emily

Emily and Jarryd in pool

Penny was letting the dog on the TV. know that this is her home
Now time for a few jokes

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words.

She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent."

They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."

They throw the switch and, again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The last one (you knew it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in!"


Old Timer Sex

This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'
The Postman

One Monday morning the Postman is walking through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Derek, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow Derek, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments.

Derek, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and It got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.'

The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'

'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.'

The Postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun. I'm sorry I missed that.'

'Probably a good thing you did,' Derek responded. 'Your name came up seven times....
Thats all folk I promise to get around to you all in the next day or two..

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