It's time for a some laughter

Grandma
I was out walking with my 4-year-old granddaughter.

She picked up something from the ground and started to put it in her mouth.

I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
"Why?" my granddaughter asked.

"Because it's been on the ground; you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs," I replied.

At this point, my granddaughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Grandma, how do you know all this stuff?

You are so smart."

I was thinking quickly. "All Grandma 's know this stuff.

It's on the Grandma test.

You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Grandma."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

"Oh.....I get it!" she beamed,

"So if you don't pass the test you have to be the Grandpa."

"Exactly," I replied with a big smile on my face.

`~~~~~~~~

A story of a burglar

The bold burglar

He opened the window, and then crept in As quiet as a mouse

.He looked around for a place to hide,'Till the folks were all asleep,

Then said he, "With their money I'll take a quiet sneak."So under the bed the burglar crept;He crept up close to the wall;

He didn't know it was an old maid's room Or he wouldn't have had the gall.

He thought of the money that he would steal

,As under the bed he lay but at nine o'clock he saw a sight That made his hair turn gray

.At nine o'clock the old maid came in;"I am so tired," she said

;She thought that all was well that night so she didn't look under the bed.

She took out her teeth and her big glass eye, and the hair from off her head.

The burglar, he had forty fits as he watched from under the bed.

From under the bed the burglar crept,he was a total wreck.

The old maid wasn't asleep at all and she grabbed him by the neck

.She didn't holler, or shout or call, She was as cool as a clam,

She only said, "The Saints be praised,

At last I've got a man!"From under the pillow a gun she drew,,and to the burglar she said,"Young man, if you don't marry me,I'll blow off the top of your head!

"She held him firmly by the neck,He hadn't a chance to scoot

He looked at the teeth and the big glass eye,

And said, "Madam, for Pete's sake, shoot!"

~~~~~~~~

The Blonde

I prefer to think that Blondes (bless their hearts) are all LATERAL THINKERS?

Another Blonde moment A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates

'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T' '?

The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?'

The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.

' So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought

(I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions,

to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter,

'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?' The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow

.St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions? St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!' 'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?' 'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.

' St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.'

And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven.

How, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions,

I found this the easiest to answer.' 'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

'It's Andy.' 'Andy??' 'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that,deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?' 'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled.' And the blonde entered Heaven...

~~~~~~~~~

Technically Challenged?

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard , the 11 year
old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to
come over.
Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID
ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error
before?''
No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it
out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little shit.

~~~~~~~~~

Irish versus Blonde
Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.Paddy replied,

'We're supposed to be finding the fook'n height of this flagpole, but we don't have a fook'n ladder.

'The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.

She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches..

.Then, she walked off.Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde! We need the fook'n height and she gives us the fook'n length.'

*~*~*~*