Hi everyone, NURSE CAROL here .. I would just like to fill you all in on mums progress. As you can see by the picture below, she wasnt a good girl so I had to blacken her eye to pull her back into line ..LMAO .. well truthfully, she has had another procedure, and has had a growth removed from under her right eye, besides sporting a few stitches, bruising and mild soreness she is doing well. She got a gold star for her left eyes progress, which I will take a little of the credit for. Mum is booked in for her right eye cataract surgery middle of October. She is unable to sit at the computer and read as she cant wear her glasses, and things are all still a little blurred. As her sight improves she will get around to visiting you all. Believe me when I say, its been a hard task keeping her off of her computer. Under her direction, here are a few jokes to keep you all going. Stay safe and well until I report in, or mum sneaks on !!!!
Now on with a few jokes.
WHEN NOTHING GOES RIGHT
A short guy is sitting at a bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?
" The poor little guy starts crying..
"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," the biker says. "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs.
"I can't do anything right.
I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me..
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance.
I left my wallet in the cab I took home." He continues, crying even harder.
"Then I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me So, I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison."
Oh To Be 12 Again..
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Alton Towers theme park.What a day!He put her on every ride in the park;
the Death Slide,
,the Wall of Fear,
the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster,
everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down
.He then took her to a Mc Donald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favourite sweets...........M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,
'Well Dear,what was it like being twelve again?
'Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!
'The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.
' The driver says, Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.
As the officer writes out the Ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'
The wife smiles demurely and says,
'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did..' As the officer makes out the second Ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notic e that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.
That's an automatic $75 fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.
' The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on.
You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third Ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??
' The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
I love this part.....
'Only when he's been drinking.
You guessed it another Ticket
"Dont drink and drive".