Saturday, September 26, 2009

Time for a little laughter

Hello everyone. I hope you are all keeping well and the weathers being kind to you in your part of the world.

I wish to thank you all for your concern and good wishes on my recent eye operations,,
. Carol has now gone home and will return again 13th October for a bus trip on the 14th (thats another blog ) and my cataract on 15th.

My eyes are going well but still cant read small print, so will be very pleased to get my right cataract done , so I can at least get new glasses for the computer and reading I cant use my old glasses they are useless 'trifocal 'everything is very blurry.

Im starting to slowly make my way around to visiting you all a few at time , Take care till I return ..

Now on with a few jokes to keep you smiling..

Marriage in Heaven

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know.

This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons.

If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer???"


The Chicken Farmer

A chicken farmer stopped in a local bar and sat next to a woman.
Then, he ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, "How about that?I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!""What a coincidence" the farmer said.

"This is a special day for me.

I am celebrating."

"This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating," said the woman.

"What a coincidence!" said the farmer.
As they clinked glasses he added, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that at last I am pregnant!""What a coincidence!" said the man.

"I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.

That's great!" said the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?''

"I used a different cock," he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said,
"What a coincidence!"..


Psychiatrists vs. Bartender

Ever since I was a child, Ive always had a fear of someone under the bed at night.
'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it.
I'm scared.
I think I'm going crazy.
''Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink.
'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid ofthose fears.
.''How much do you charge?'
'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied thedoctor.
'I'll sleep on it,' I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street.
'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money!,
A bartender cured me for $10.
I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!''Is that so!'
With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask,did a bartender cure you?
''He told me to cut the legs off the bed! -
Ain't nobody under there now!!!'


Friday, September 11, 2009

Eye Surgery No.2

Hi everyone, NURSE CAROL here .. I would just like to fill you all in on mums progress. As you can see by the picture below, she wasnt a good girl so I had to blacken her eye to pull her back into line ..LMAO .. well truthfully, she has had another procedure, and has had a growth removed from under her right eye, besides sporting a few stitches, bruising and mild soreness she is doing well. She got a gold star for her left eyes progress, which I will take a little of the credit for. Mum is booked in for her right eye cataract surgery middle of October. She is unable to sit at the computer and read as she cant wear her glasses, and things are all still a little blurred. As her sight improves she will get around to visiting you all. Believe me when I say, its been a hard task keeping her off of her computer. Under her direction, here are a few jokes to keep you all going. Stay safe and well until I report in, or mum sneaks on !!!!
Now on with a few jokes.

A short guy is sitting at a bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?

" The poor little guy starts crying..

"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," the biker says. "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs.
"I can't do anything right.

I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me..

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance.

I left my wallet in the cab I took home." He continues, crying even harder.

"Then I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me So, I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison."


Oh To Be 12 Again..

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Alton Towers theme park.What a day!He put her on every ride in the park;

the Death Slide,

the Corkscrew

,the Wall of Fear,

the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster,

everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down

.He then took her to a Mc Donald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favourite sweets...........M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,

'Well Dear,what was it like being twelve again?

'Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!

'The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.


A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.

' The driver says, Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.

As the officer writes out the Ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,

'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says,

'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did..' As the officer makes out the second Ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notic e that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.

That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.

' The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on.

You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third Ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??

' The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

I love this part.....
'Only when he's been drinking.

You guessed it another Ticket

"Dont drink and drive".

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Eye Surgery

Hello everyone, Well as you can see I have been out of action for the last few days, after having cataract surgery at Wangaratta hospital. Carol has been staying with me since my birthday, looking after me & making sure I dont do anything I'm not meant to be doing . I left hospital with my eye taped shut and and had to leave this shield on till I saw my specialist the next morning when it was removed, I could read most of the chart on the wall , and only had to wear the shield for 3 nights and have to use drops 4 times a day for 3 weeks. Next Tuesday I have to go back and have a small cyst like lesion removed from under my right eye and healed before the Dr will do my right cataract, then hopefully I will only need glasses for reading.

OHHHH dear .. Carol just drove in from going down the shops .. YES I'm in a bit of trouble, just got caught out ... not meant to be on the computer and its time for my drops.

Just a couple of jokes tonight, Ill be around to visit you all as soon as I'm able.


The Farmer

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into awell. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway;
it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him.

They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing.

He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.

The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping,never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

NOW ............ Enough of that crap . . The donkey later came back,
and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected and
the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.


When you do something wrong, try to cover your ass

,as it always comes back to bite you.


One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men
along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to
stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the
lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over
there,under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, too."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also ha ve
a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as
large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,
"Sir, you are too kind Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place.
The grass is almost a foot high."


Wisdom of Older Women
After being marriedfor 42 years I took a carefull look at my wife one day and said."Honey, 42 years ago we had a cheap apartment A cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white television,, But i got to sleep every night with A hot 19year old girl.

NOW I HAVE A $500,000 HOME, A $45,000 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, But im sleeping with a 61year old women.

"It seems to me that your not holding up your side of things."


She told me to go out and find a hot 19year old girl. , And she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment,driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10 inch black and white television ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.