Hi everyone, Hope your all well and happy where ever you maybe. Im very well and had a busy week. Been to Dr's for 3 month check up a good report ,went to hairdressers had my hair cut, called into my Pauline's and had a cuppa, Gwen also called on her way home so the kettle went on again for another cuppa and a chin wag. Ive also bowled a couple times. We (Our Club) had Pennant practice played against Tungamah and won by 52 shots. Hope we can keep this up as 1st game of pennant starts Tuesday against last years premiers Rutherglen will be a hard match.
Well folk its a beautiful sunny day so I am off outside camera in hand to spend a couple of hours in the garden .
I promise to visit you all in the next few days ,. Cheerio For now..
Now on with a few jokes
A man walked into the produce section of his local Coles supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room the boy said to the manager 'Some old b****rd wants to buy half a head of lettuce.' As he finished his sentence he turned to find the man standing right behind him so he quickly added 'and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.'
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier.
We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?'
' New Zealand sir' the boy replied.
'Well why did you leave New Zealand ?' the manager asked.
The boy said 'Sir there's nothing but whores and rugby players there
.' 'Really' replied the manager?
'My wife is from New Zealand !'
'Really ? '
replied the boy,
'Who'd she play for ?'
Critical information for the well being and good operation of your mouse balls.
I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face.
This was a real memo sent out by IBM to its employees in all seriousness.
It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem.
The author of this memo was quite genuine.
The engineers rolled on the floor!
Especially note the last couple of sentences.
'If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).
Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, a replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.
Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse.
Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method.
Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method.
Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive.
However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.
\Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.
Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.'
The Hypnotist at the Seniors Centre
It was entertainment night at the Seniors Centre and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced: unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotise each and every member of the audience.'
The excitement was almost electric as Claude with drew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch.
It's been in my family for six generations.He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting:
'watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch
'The crowd became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
'Shit,' said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Seniors Centre.
IT STARTED WITH THE FROG.
little boy about 12 years old walked down the street dragging a
flattened frog on a string behind him.
He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he
He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the
money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it'.
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she
told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any venereal diseases?'
Of course the Madam said no.
He said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after
making love with Amber, THAT'S the girl I want'.
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it,
the cynical Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed amphibian behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the
Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in
the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'
He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents
are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a
After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she
just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get
the Dose that I just caught.
When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the
way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the dose.
Then when Dad gets home Mum, will catch it. In the morning when Dad
goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with
Mum and catch the clap, and HE'S the b***ard I want to get ... coz he
over my FROG!'
'OLD' IS WHEN...
.Your sweetie says,
'Let's go upstairs
And make love,
' and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!
''OLD' IS WHEN..
.Your friends compliment you
On your new alligator shoes
And you're barefoot.
~'OLD' IS WHEN..
.A sexy babe catches your fancy
And your pacemaker opens the garage door,'
OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car
In the parking lot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up
To use the bathroom.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not to sure that these are jokes?
CHEERS \_/\_/\_/All have a great day . Jen
Labels: Humour - Mixed