Walking the dog

Gday Everyone,

I hope your all well where ever you maybe.

Im very well and pleased to report had my last visit to optometrist my eyes have improved greatly and no need for a return visit Yippeee!!!!

Im back playing indoor carpetbowls Monday evenings and Thursday afternoon, outdoor lawn bowls Tuesday and Wednesdays . Thats about all except the normal home duties and pottering around the garden when its not to hot ..

Now heres a couple of jokes to share with you all..

WALKING THE DOG

A WOMAN was flying from Melbourne to Brisbane .
Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sydney along the way.
The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board In 50 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was Blind.
A man had noticed her as he walked by and Could tell the lady was blind because her GuideDog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by Name, said, 'Kathy, we are in Sydney for almost an hour, would you like to get off and stretch your legs?'
The blind lady replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Buddy would Like to stretch his legs.'
Picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill,when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Guide dog!

The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.
People scattered.

They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
True story... Have a great day and remember...

....THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.

**************
Jack Daniels

Finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a viper snake with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth; I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back and he went limp.

I released him into the lake without incident and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.
There was that same damn snake sitting with two frogs in his mouth.

**********

Why I fired my Secretary.

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.' I thought..
Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids...
They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday !
' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.
Let's go !' We went to lunch.
But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?' I responded, 'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?' She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.
'After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
' Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.
I'll be right back.
' 'Ok.' I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there..

. On the couch...

Naked.

~~~~~~~~`

Teaching English to the natives

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission
in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he
realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and
says to the chief, 'This is a tree.'
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, 'Tree.'
The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he
points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.'
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock.'

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears
a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of
natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, 'Man riding a bike.'

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years
teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how
could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, 'My bike.'

Enjoy your day and remember to keep off the roads

when riding someone elses bicycle!
***************

A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER IS A DAY WASTED!!!

What Do You Do All Day?

Hi Everyone. I Hope alls well with everyone, Im very well .And not a lot to report I'm back bowling and after missing so many Comp's and social days due to Appointments and my eyes. I was very pleased to be picked in the pennant team to say the least, We played Swanpool last Tuesday, 1st game of the pennant season, our team won by 3 shots but lost overall as the other 2 teams lost.Lets hope next tuesday we all have a win.



Now time to find a few jokes.


What Do You Do All Day?


A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still
in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and
wrappers strewn all around the front yard.
The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the
house and there was no sign of the dog.
Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.

A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife.

He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.

As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soapand more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, '

What happened here today?'

She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me sarcastically what in the world I do all day?'

'Yes,' was his incredulous reply. She answered,


'Well, today, I didn't do it.'???

~~~~~~~~

CAKE OR BED

A husband is at home watching a football match when hi wife interupts ,

Honey ! could you fix the light in the ? its been flickering for weeks now..

He looks at her and says angrily .

fix the light now?

Does it look like I have energex written on my forehead ? I don't think so.

Fine ,the the wife asks well then, could you fix the the fridge door? it wont close To which he replied .

Fix the fridge door?

does it look like I have westinghouse written on my forehead ? I dont think so Fine,

She then says you could at least fix the steps to the front door ?they are about to break Im not a carpenter and I dont wont to fix to fix the steps he says, Does it look like I have Bunnings written on mt forehead? I dont think so .

I've had enough of you, . I'm going to the pub!!!!

So off to the pub he goes and drinks for a couple of hours..

He starts to feel Guilty about how he treated his wife ,and decides to go home. As he walks into the house he notices that the steps have been fixed .

As he enters the house he sees the hall light is working, as he goes for a beer he notices the fridge door has been fixed. HONEY, He asks , " How did all this get fixed?

She said , Well, when you left I sat outside and cried just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong ,and I told him . He offered to do all the repairs ,and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake. He said so what kind of cake did you bake? .. She replied . Helllllllooooooo!!!!!!!,

DO YOU SEE SARA LEE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?

I DON'T THINK SO!

~~~~~~~~

My Very FIRST TIME!!!

It was my first time ever
And I'll never forget.

I'd do it again
Without a single regret.

The sky was dark,

The moon was high,
We were all alone,

Just she and I.

Her hair was soft,
Her eyes were blue,

I knew just what
She wanted to do.

Her skin so soft,
Her legs so fine,

I ran my fingers
Down her spine.

I didn't know how,
But I tried my best.

I started by placing
My hands on her breast.
I remember my fear,.

My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.

And when I did it
I felt no shame...

All of a sudden,
the white stuff came!

At last it's finished,
It's all over now.

My first time ever
At milking a cow.

GOTCHA

Now, what were you thinking??!!

Time for a little laughter

Hello everyone. I hope you are all keeping well and the weathers being kind to you in your part of the world.

I wish to thank you all for your concern and good wishes on my recent eye operations,,

. Carol has now gone home and will return again 13th October for a bus trip on the 14th (thats another blog ) and my cataract on 15th.

My eyes are going well but still cant read small print, so will be very pleased to get my right cataract done , so I can at least get new glasses for the computer and reading I cant use my old glasses they are useless 'trifocal 'everything is very blurry.

Im starting to slowly make my way around to visiting you all a few at time , Take care till I return ..

~~~~~~~~~

Now on with a few jokes to keep you smiling..

Marriage in Heaven

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know.

This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons.

If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer???"

~~~~~~~~~

The Chicken Farmer

A chicken farmer stopped in a local bar and sat next to a woman.

Then, he ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, "How about that?I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!""What a coincidence" the farmer said.

"This is a special day for me.

I am celebrating."

"This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating," said the woman.

"What a coincidence!" said the farmer.

As they clinked glasses he added, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that at last I am pregnant!""What a coincidence!" said the man.

"I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.

That's great!" said the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?''

"I used a different cock," he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said,

"What a coincidence!"..

~~~~~~~~

Psychiatrists vs. Bartender

Ever since I was a child, Ive always had a fear of someone under the bed at night.

SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM

'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it.

I'm scared.

I think I'm going crazy.

''Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink.

'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid ofthose fears.

.''How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied thedoctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street.

'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money!,

A bartender cured me for $10.

I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!''Is that so!'

With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask,did a bartender cure you?

''He told me to cut the legs off the bed! -

Ain't nobody under there now!!!'

SCREW THOSE SHRINKS.. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER!

Going on a holiday

G'day everybody. Hope all are well wherever you are. Im very well and this will be my last post for a couple of weeks,as My daughter Carol ( Cazz) and I are heading off to Adelaide, South Australia to see friends and a little touring about. I'm driving over to Carol's in Mooroopna Saturday. First stop A visit and a Cuppa at my Dear friend Merle's in Shepparton Sshhhh dont tell her , then we're heading off Sunday.

Bye for now, cameras packed, see you all when I return.

Here are a couple of jokes while im away

Schools In!

HAHA 11year olds

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment:
To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.
One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken

.' 'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.

'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'

'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too.

But we raise chickens for the meat market.

One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is,

'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.

' 'That was a fine story Sarah.'

Michael, do you have a story to share?'
'Yes.

My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon.

Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.

Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.

And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'

'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher,

'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'

'Stay away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking.

~~~~~
Whoops!!

Grandmas don’t know everything

Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,
'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds.
And Jimmy 's mum wants to talk to you!'

~~~~~

Zachary.
Little Zachary was doing very badly in maths.

His parents had tried everything Tutors, Mentors, flash cards, Special learning centers.

In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.

After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face.

He didn't even kiss his mother Hello.

Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.

Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed.

She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card.

He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books.

With great trepidation, his Mum looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an 'A' in math.

She could no longer hold her curiosity.

She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it?

Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.

'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms?

'WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?'

Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when

I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'

~~~~~

Touching words from the mouths of babes.

What does 'Love' mean? A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, 'What does 'love' mean?'
The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

~~~~~
'When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.'
Rebecca- age 8

~~~~~
'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.'
Billy - age 4

~~~~~
'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.'
Karl - age 5

~~~~~
'Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.'
Chrissie - age 6

~~~~~
'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.'
Terri - age 4

~~~~~
'Love is when my mummy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.'
Danny - age 7

~~~~~
'Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mummy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss'
Emily - age 8

~~~~~
'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.'
Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

~~~~~
'If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,' Nikka - age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)
'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.'
Noelle - age 7

~~~~~
'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.'
Tommy - age 6

~~~~~
'During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.'
Cindy - age 8

~~~~~
'My mummy loves me more than anybody You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.'
Clare - age 6

~~~~~
'Love is when Mummy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.'
Elaine-age 5

~~~~~
'Love is when Mummy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.'
Chris - age 7

~~~~~
'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day'
Mary Ann - age 4

~~~~~
'I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones..'
Lauren - age 4

~~~~~
'When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.' (what an image)
Karen - age 7

~~~~~
'Love is when Mummy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross..'
Mark - age 6

~~~~~
'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.'
Jessica - age 8

~~~~~

And the final one -

- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge.

The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbour, the little boy said,
'Nothing, I just helped him cry'
When there is nothing left, that is when you find out that love is all you need.

Schools out!

~~~~~

Emily and a little laughter

G'day Everyone.. I hope alls well in your part of the world. I'm on top of the world as my lovely Grandaughter Emily, Gary and Christine's daughter has come to stay with me, while she is studying Nursing at La Trobe University in Albury Wodonga.
Why stay at Nans? Well Gary and Christine live 4hrs drive away from La Trobe Uni. and Im only 5o mins away , making it a lot easier for Emily to travel to Uni. each day..And I must say Im loving her being here , some one to cook for and enjoy a meal with.

Emily's boyfriend Jarryd came Friday to visit her and stayed for the weekend, a lovely weekend has been had by all.

My Lovely Grandaughter Emily

Emily and Jarryd in pool

Penny was letting the dog on the TV. know that this is her home

Now time for a few jokes

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words.

She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent."

They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."

They throw the switch and, again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The last one (you knew it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in!"

~~~~~~

Old Timer Sex

This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'
~~~~~~~~~

The Postman

One Monday morning the Postman is walking through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Derek, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow Derek, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments.

Derek, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and It got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.'

The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'

'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.'

The Postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun. I'm sorry I missed that.'

'Probably a good thing you did,' Derek responded. 'Your name came up seven times....
~~~~

Thats all folk I promise to get around to you all in the next day or two..

Laugh along with me

Gday everyone, I hope your all well and healthy were ever you maybe . Im very well.
Not a lot to report. .Just been doing the normal home duties, a little gardening ,and played social bowls last week. and just trying to stay cool.. Not looking forward to pennant Tuesday we travel to Wangaratta to play and the forecast is low 40cs.thats about 104f+ we play till the temp reaches 37c then heat rule comes in play the game is stopped...then we go in for lunch before boarding the Club bus for home . thats all folk .
Now on with a few jokes ..

Gentleman Golfer
A fellow was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the first two holes.
The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first fellow said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.
The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen, and while counting his $80.00, he confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.
The first fellow revealed that he is the Parish Priest. The pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll marry them..."

~~~~~~

LEAVING THE OFFICE EARLY

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.

Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.

One day the girls decided that when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.

After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early??

The brunette was thrilled to be home early.

She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in quick workout at the spa before meeting dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.

Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss!!

Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them .

"No way", the blonde exclaimed.

"I almost got caught yesterday!"

~~~~~`

Swearing
A 7 year old & a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.'

You know what?' says the 7 year old,

'I think it's about time we started swearing.'

The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

The 7 year old says 'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to swear first, then you swear after me, ok?

'Ok' the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.'Oh sh*t mum, I s'pose I'll have some Coco Pops'

WHACK!!

He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor,got up, & ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old & asked with a stern voice,'And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?'

'I don't know,' he blubbers,

'but it won't be *f**king Coco Pops!'.

~~~~~~~~~

ITALIAN GRANDMA'S ADVICE

A young Italian girl was going on a date.

Her Nonna said:
"Sita here ana letame tella you about those-a younga boys. He's agonna try ana kiss you,
you are agonna likea dat, but don't let him do that.
He's agonna try ana kiss your breasts, you are agonna likea dat too,
but don'ta let him do that.

But most important,
he's agonna try ana lay on topa you, you are agonna likea dat, but don'ta let him do that.
Doing thata willa disgraca the family.With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date. The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted: "Nonna, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family!

"Nonna fainted
~~~~~~~

DR, DR.

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant. 'Murphy,

I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic.

I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients'. 'Yes, sir!' answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks:

'So,Murphy, how was your day?'

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.'The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.' 'Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?' asks the doctor.

'The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir' says Murphy.

'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this . . . and what about the third one?' asks the doctor.

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does.

Like bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts:

'HELP ME

for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!''
'Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?' asks the doctor.
'I put drops in her eyes.'

~~~~~~~

Remember:

You don't stop laughing because you grow old,

You grow old because you stop laughing.

Puppies for sale

A few more jokes to keep you smiling


A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell.

He painted a sign advertising the 4 pups.

And set about nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard.

As he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt a tug on his overalls.

He looked down into the eyes of little boy.

'Mister,' he said, 'I want to buy one of your puppies

.''Well,' said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck, 'These puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money.

'The boy dropped his head for a moment.

Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer

.'I've got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?''Sure,' said the farmer.

And with that he let out a whistle. 'Here, Dolly!' he called.

Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur

.The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence.

His eyes danced with delight.

As the dogs made their way to the fence,the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse.

Slowly another little ball appeared, this one noticeably smaller.

Down the ramp it slid.

Then in a somewhat awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up....'I want that one,' the little boy said, pointing to the runt.

The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said, 'Son, you don't wan t that puppy.

He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would.

'With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers.

In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe.

Looking back up at the farmer, he said, 'You see sir, I don't run too well myself, and he will need someone who understands.'

With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the little pup.

Holding it carefully he handed it to the little boy.

'How much?' asked the little boy.

'No charge,' answered the farmer,

'There's no charge for love.'

The world is full of people who need someone who understands .

~~~~~~

Priests do not lie !!!

THE HAIR DRYER, AND HOW IT TRAVELED

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked thePriest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?""Of course.

that may I do for you?"

Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday.

The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits; and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.

Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?""I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.

""With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.

"When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?""From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.

"The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?

""I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.

"Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."

~~~~~~~~

WHERE DO RED-HEADED BABIES COME FROM?????

After their baby was born, the panicked father
went to see the Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the man
said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little
upset because my daughter has red hair . She can't possibly be mine!!'
'Nonsense,' the doctor said'.
'Even though you and your wife both have black
hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.''It isn't possible,' the man insisted.'This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.''Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this. How often do you have sex??? '
The man seemed a bit ashamed. 'I've been working very hard for the past year .
We only made love once or twice every few months.' 'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently.
'It's rust !'

~~~~~~~~~

Golfer At The Dentist

Golfer at the dentist:
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.
The man said to the dentist, 'Doc, I'm in a big hurry.
I have two buddies sitting out in my car
waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the
anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it.
We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course
in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait
for the anesthetic to work!'
The dentist thought to himself, 'My goodness, this is
surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled
without using anything to kill the pain.'
So the dentist asks him, 'Which tooth is it, sir?
The man turned to his wife and said, 'Open your
mouth, Honey, and show him.'

`~~~~~`

****A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine!****

A little more laughter

A few more jokes to help you smile

THE BRICK
A young and successful executive was traveling down a neighborhood street, going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar.

He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something.

As his car passed, no children appeared.
Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door! He slammed on the brakes and backed the Jag back to the spot where the brick had been thrown
The angry driver then jumped out of the car, grabbed the nearest kid and pushed him up against a parked car shouting,
'What was that all about and who are you?
Just what the heck are you doing? that's a new car and that brick you threw is going to cost a lot of money.
Why did you do it?
' The young boy was apologetic. 'Please, mister...please, I'm sorry but I didn't know what else to do,' He pleaded.
'I threw the brick because no one else would stop....
' With tears dripping down his face and off his chin, the youth pointed to a spot just around a parked car.
'It's my brother, 'he said 'He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up.'
Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive, 'Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me.'
Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat.
He hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy back into the wheelchair, then took out a linen handkerchief and dabbed at the fresh scrapes and cuts.
A quick look told him everything was going to be okay.
'Thank you and may God bless you,' the grateful child told the stranger.
Too shook up for words, the man simply watched the boy! push his wheelchair-bound brother down the sidewalk toward their home.
It was a long, slow walk back to the Jaguar.
The damage was very noticeable, but the driver never bothered to repair the dented side door. He kept the dent there to remind him of this message:
'Don't go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention!'
God whispers in our souls and speaks to our hearts.

Sometimes when we don't have time to listen, He has to throw a brick at us. It's our choice to listen or not.
~~~~~

Evil by nature
A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?"
she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no, he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair."
I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "
Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need for you to give him a message,"
she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

~~~~~~~~~

SCHOOL OUTING!

A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one holding onto their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was extremely well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in the 4th grade..'
'No, ma'am, ' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh.'

~~~~~~~~~~~

$7 Sex

A Florida couple, both well into their 70's, go to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?' The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.'

He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50 and says good bye.

This happens several weeks in a row.

The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

After 3 months of this routine the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask.

Just what are you trying to find out?

' The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything She's married and we can't go to her house.

I'm married and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $98.

The Hilton charges $139.

We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.

~~~~~~~

A Blonde's Year in Review

January Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said '2-4 years!'

April Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!

May Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope

July Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open.

September The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???

October Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days . instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December Couldn't call 911 . 'duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!

~~~~~

A Little Merriment

The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies fused together as they gyrated to their own beat.

The woman cocked her ear,

"Quick!

My husband's coming through the front door! Hide in the bathroom!" she cried.
The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door.

"What are you doing lying on the bed naked?" he asked.
"Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you," she replied with a knowing smile.
"Great," he said, "I'll just step into the bathroom and I'll be with you in two shakes." Before she could stop him, he was into the bathroom where he found a man clapping his hands together in mid-air.
"Who the devil are you!" the husband demanded.
"I'm from the exterminator company.

Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths," the lover replied.
"But.. but you've got no clothes on?" stammered the husband.
The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said,

"The little bastards!"

~~~~~~~~

A bear walks into a pub and sits down.

He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, “We don't serve beer to bears in bars.”

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully,

“We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars.”

The bear, very angry now, says, “If you don’t serve me a beer, I’m going to eat that slapper sitting at the end of the bar.”The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve beer to belligerent, bully bears.

” The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, he eats the woman.

He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, “Sorry, we don’t serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars who are on drugs.”

The bear says,

“I'm NOT on drugs.” The bartender says, “You are now.

That was a barbitchyou ate.”

~~~~~~~~

Baptising an Irishman
A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river

.He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, where upon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?

'The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am.'So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him up and asks the drunk,

'Brother have you found Jesus?

'The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.

'The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks again,

'Have you found Jesus my brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No,oi haven't found Jesus.'By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk,

'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'

(Are you ready for this????)

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to he preacher,

'Are you sure dis is where he fell in?'

~~~~~~~~~

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one.

Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.

The woman says, 'So, you're a man.

That's interesting.

I’m a woman.

Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt.

This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days'.

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God!' But you're still at fault..

.women shouldn't be allowed to drive.

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle.

My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.

Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.

'She hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'

The woman replies,”No. I think I'll just wait for the police...

.' MORAL OF THE STORY:

Women are clever, .

Don't mess with us.

~~~~~~

Hope you all had a little laugh tonight

Cheers \_/ \_/ \_/

2 Drops of water

Hi everyone,Hope your all well were ever you maybe.

.Not a lot to report today,had a quiet few days ,Monday rest day after a busy weekend Tuesday went shopping then called into my Sisters Had a cuppa and a chat Wednesday pottered around the back yard for a couple hours, then when Gwen called in was time to down tools , put the kettle on for a cuppa, and a chat. Tomorrow Thursday Im off to play carpet bowls.

Now on with a few jokes.

Two drops of water]

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.

As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today..

.'The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink.

In fact, this one is on me.'as the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.

'The old woman says, 'Thank you.

Bartender, I want a scotch with two drops of water.

''Coming up,' says the bartender as she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.

'The old woman says, 'Thank you.

Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.

''Coming right up,' the bartender says

.As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying Of curiosity.

Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?

'The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.

''OLD' IS WHEN... Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer,'Pick one; I can't do Both!

''OLD' IS WHEN...Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.'

OLD' IS WHEN... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door,

'OLD' IS WHEN... Going bra less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN... You are cautioned to slow down By the doctor instead of by the police

'OLD' IS WHEN... 'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.

'OLD' IS WHEN... 'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN... An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND 'OLD' IS WHEN... You are not sure these are Jokes?

~~~~~~~~~~

Seeing-eye Pilots

Passengers on a plane are waiting for the flight to leave.

The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilot uniforms.

Both are wearing dark glasses.

One is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start.

The passengers begin glancing nervously, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke.

None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport.

As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, screams of panic fill the cabin. But at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."

~~~~~~~~

Two blondes were nailing shingles onto the roof.

The second blonde noticed the first one was throwing almost half her nails away, down to the ground.

She asked of the first why she was throwing so many away.

The first blonde replied that so many of them were turned wrong, away from the roof rather than towards it.

"Silly," retorted the second blonde, '

"why aren't you saving them for the other side?"

~~~~~~

A cat died and went to Heaven.

God met her at the gates and said, 'You have been a good cat all these years.

Anything you want is yours for the asking.

The cat thought for a minute and then said, 'All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors.

I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.'God said, 'Say no more.'

Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together.

God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, 'Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we c ould just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.'

God answered, 'It is done.' All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat.

He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow.

God gently awakened the cat and asked, 'Is everything okay?

How have you been doing?

Are you happy?'

The cat replied, 'Oh, it is WONDERFUL.

I have never been so happy in my life.

The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious

~~~~~~

Life is too short to wake up with regrets.

So love the people who treat you right.

Love the ones who don't just because you can.

Believe everything happens for a reason.

If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands.

If it changes your life, let it. Kiss slowly.

Forgive quickly.

;God never said life would be easy.

He just promised it would be worth it.

~~~~

Thats all folk Cheers \_/ \_/ \_/