G'Day everyone ,
Not a lot to report on tonight, Had a very quiet weekend , today we played pennant lawn bowls against Tungamah
and had a nice win, our rink won by 16 shots and overall by 25 shots..
Thats all folk. Im off to have an early night.. Now on with a few Jokes
This is a real educational one so thought I would post it.
What Starts with F and ends with K
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem ?
'Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade.
My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too !
'Ms. Brooks had had enough.
She took Harry to the principal's office.While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test.
If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal : 'What is 3 x 3 ?'Harry : '9.'
Principal : What is 6 x 6 ?'Harry : '36.
'And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,
'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'Ms. Brooks says to the principal,' Let me ask him some questions.'
The principal and Harry both agreed
.Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of ?'Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'Ms Brooks:
'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have ?
'The principal wondered why would she ask such a question !Harry replied : 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks : 'What does a dog do that a man steps into ?'Harry : 'Pants.
'Ms. Brooks : What starts with a C , ends with a T , is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid ?'Harry : ' Coconut.
'The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks :' What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky ?'The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks : 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs ?'Harry : 'Shake hands.'The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks : 'What word starts with an 'F ' and ends in ' K ' that means a lot of heat and excitement ?'Harry : 'Fire truck.
'The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,'
Put Harry in the fifth-grade,
I got the last seven questions wrong.....'
A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed,sweating and panting.
'What's up?' she asks.
'I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband.
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says,'Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!
'The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door.
Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor
.'You rotten 'Bitch', she screams.
'My husband's having a heart attack,
and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!'
Three males were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.
He told them that their mode of transport in heaven would be decided by their answers to 2 questions
He asked the first male how long he had been married and how many times he had been unfaithful.
'Twenty years and only a couple of transgressions' he replied. '
Well you get a Mini then', said St Peter
St. Peter asked the 2nd male the same question. 'Twenty five years and only unfaithful once' said the 2nd man. 'Your vehicle is a Holden, he was told The third man proudly replied that he had been married for 30 years and had never been unfaithful. St. Peter told him that he would get the top of the range in transport - a BMW ! So off the three drove in their vehicles. Several days later St. Peter spotted the third man sitting in his BMW with his head on the steering wheel, crying his eyes out. 'Whatever is the matter' St. Peter asked 'you got the top car, why are you crying'? 'I just saw my wife go past on a skateboard', was the reply.
A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party.
The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party.
As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was! not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice 'chick' he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.
She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. 'Oh, the same old thing.
You know I never have a good time when you're not there.'
Then she asked, 'Did you dance much?' He replied, 'I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance.
When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.'
'You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!' she said with unashamed sarcasm.
To which the husband replied,
'Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life.'
Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow a mystery.]
Today is a gift.
That's why it's called the present!
Hope these jokes bought a little laughter to your day.
Labels: Humour - Mixed