A Giggle To Combat The Blues

Hi everyone , Hope alls well were ever you may be.

Nudist colony
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his
Grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in
his new location.Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony,
he cuts a photo in half and mails it. The next day he discovers
that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo

He's really worried but then remembers how bad his grandmother's
eyesight is, & hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother.

It says:
'Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle. . . it makes
your nose look too short.'
Love Grandma

There was a German, an Italian and an Irishman on death row.

The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:
1. to be shot
2. to hang
3. to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly.
Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead.)

Then the Irishman said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff."
They gave him the shot, and the Irishman fell down laughing.
The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.
Then the Irishman said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did.
Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.
Finally the warden said, "What is wrong with you?"
The Irishman replied, "You guys are so stupid.....I'm wearing a condom."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Witch
Two old men decided they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town . After a few drinks , they end up at the local brothel.

The Madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager , go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated Doll in each bed .
These two are so old and drunk , Im not wasting two of my girls on them ,they won't know the difference .'

The manager does as he is told and the two men go upstairs and take care of their business .As they are walking home the first man says, you know , I think my girl was dead!. 'dead?' says his friend , "why do you say that"? 'Well , she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her.
His friend says , "could be worse' I think mine was a witch . A witch?, why the hell would you say that?''Well, I was making love to her , kissing her on the neck and I gave her a little bite , Then she farted and flew out the window .'

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Little Johnny

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny? "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
------------------
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

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Total Eclipse

Hi Everyone I watched the eclipse of the Moon last night like many other Aussies and took a few photo's from my backyard , this is what I saw. The next Eclipse December 2011.

the start approx 7pm

the moon reappearing

Houdini

Hi everyone, Hope this finds you well where ever you maybe. I spent a little time pottering around outside today, the weather was too nice to be indoors , and another nice day forecast tomorrow, I will spend the day in the garden as I have few plants that need repotting.
Just a few jokes tonight.

Bull
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey. "But I just haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a week, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bull crap might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
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HOUDINI
A traveling salesman stops at a hillbilly farmhouse to sell some wares. While he's there a fierce storm comes up, and the farmer invites him to spend the night.
However, as there wasn't a spare bedroom. The salesman would have to sleep in the same room as the farmer's daughter, on the condition that if any hanky-panky went on and if the daughter got pregnant, the salesman would have to marry her.
The salesman eyes the daughter, who has the body of a goddess but the head of a fish, and figures out that he's being set up for a shotgun wedding. But he didn't want to brave the night's storm, so he agreed to the farmer's terms.
The next morning, the family is sitting around the breakfast table. The father asks the daughter, "Did he do it last night, girl?"
"Sure did, Pa."
"Excellent!" says the father. "If it's a boy, we'll call him Jed." "And if it's a girl," says the mother, "we'll call her Mae."
About that time the salesman came into the room holding a condom and grinning. "Well," he says, "if the little bastard gets out of this, we'll call him Houdini.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE FIRE DOG
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmation dog. The children started discussing what the dog's duties might be."They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster."No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child concluded. "No silly, they use the dogs to find the fire hydrant!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FBI Canine
A police dog responds to an ad for work with the FBI. "Well," says the personnel director, "you'll have to meet some strict requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per minute." Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute. "Also," says the director, "you must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course." This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time. "There's one last requirement," the director continues; "you must be bilingual." With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, "Meow!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To end with a few old saying's
A big tree attracts the gale. - Chinese (on pride)

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. - Latin Proverb

A beautiful thing is never perfect. - Egyptian (on beauty)

A blind person who sees is better than a seeing person who is blind. - Iranian (on wisdom)

A body makes his own luck, be it good or bad. - unknown

A brother may not be a friend, but a friend will always be a brother. - Ben Franklin (1706-1790)

A burden that one chooses is not felt. - Italian (on self-reliance)

A carpenter is known by his chips. - Jonathan Swift (1667-1745)

A cat in gloves catches no mice. - 14th Century French Proverb

A chain is no stronger than its weakest link. - Sir Leslie Stephen (1832-1904)

Spring is in the air

Hi Everyone,I have had a busy few days so just sharing a few more photo's of my garden with you all.

Spring is in the air.

Australian Wattle tree on side of road heavy with flower that the branches are resting on the ground

Close up

Sunset on a winters night

Cocky's settling in for the night, just over my back fence

My first White Jonquil

8 heads on my Double white Jonquil

Birds have been nesting in my weeping rose above my Bird of Paradise

1 of my Azealia's

1st flowers on my young Daphne

To end with A few wise old saying's
Fact is stranger than fiction. - Thomas Chandler Haliburton (1796-1865)
Failure is a teacher; a harsh one, but the best. - Thomas J. Watson Sr. (1874-1956)
Failure is the path of least persistence. - unknown

Fair words never hurt the tongue. - George Chapman (c.1559-1634)
Faith is the ability to not panic. - unknown
Falling is easier than rising. - Irish (on fame)
False friends leave you in times of trouble. - Aesop (c.620-560 BC)
Familiarity breeds contempt. - Aesop (c.620-560 BC)

Friendship increases by visiting friends but visiting seldom. - Ben Franklin (1706-1790)
Friendship is one mind in two bodies. - Mencius (c.371-289)

Jens Birthday

Hi Every Body.
Well the grape vine has once again been busy.
I had a Birthday today [21-8-07] so for those who didn't know it's true.
I spent the Day shopping with my sister Pauline.
And tonight my daughter Donna,and Grand Children,Kayne,Rylie & Maddison took me out to dinner .
My friend Gwen and her husband Brian also joined us for a very enjoyable dinner, Then it was all back to Donna's for birthday cake that Rylie and Maddison made for me, It was very nice thank you girls. I also recieved cards and phone calls from . family and friends.
Now to end with a couple of photo's.

I had my favorite Garlic Prawns

Kayne, Myself, Gwen, Donna, Brian.

Kayne, myself, Rylie,Gwen, Maddison, Donna,Brian

Maddison and Rylie singing happy birthday

Blowing out the candles.

Mother

Hi Everyone, hope your all well were ever you maybe,.
Ive had a quiet few days with lots of phone calls,and friends popping in.
played Indoor (carpet) bowls today. And will get around to visit you all in the next day or 2

Now to put a little humour into our lives
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION .
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC .
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to
the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT .
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY .
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA .
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER .
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY .
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY .
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
"Just wait until your father gets home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE .
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that
way."

19. My mother taught me ESP .
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR .
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS .
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM .
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you

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Grandma's Visit

"Oh, I sure am glad to see you," the little boy said to his grandmother (on his mother's side). "Now Daddy will do the trick he's been promising us."
The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that?" she asked.

"He told Mommy that he'd climb the walls if you came to visit," answered the boy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oh, the pity of old age.

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out. I stopped and asked him what was wrong. He said, "I have a 22 year old wife at home. She makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."

I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" He said, "She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon."
I said, "Well, why are you crying?" He said, "For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m."
I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
He said, "I can't remember where I live!" ....

!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

Happiness keeps You Sweet,
Trials keep You Strong,
Sorrows keep You Human,
Failures keep You Humble,
Success keeps You Glowing,

TO THANK YOU

Hello Everyone, My Family and I wish to sincerely thank you for your kind and loving words.On the death of my Dear Brother Edward. They are very much appreciated.

My Brother - Edward Patrick Farmer

Hi everyone,

Just short post tonight to let you all know my dearly loved brother Edward, or Ted to his mates, passed away in the early hours of this morning 12/8/2007 aged 65 years, surrounded by his family.

Edward fought a brave and hard battle with cancer over the last few years. He was diagnosed with Leukaemia 8yrs ago, then late last year had 1/2 of his right lung removed, all appeared to be going well, and his recovery was amazing to say the least. We thought the worst was over, but like the dreaded disease that it is, it reappeared as tumors along his spine approx 8weeks ago. This time it was inoperable, but Ed stayed tough, and never lost hope, right to the very end.

All our hearts go out to Eds family, Wendy his wife of 45yrs, his six children David, Lyndell, Brian, Robyn, Geoffrey, & Allison, their partners and numerous grandchildren.

These are the last photo's I took of Ed, approx. 6 weeks ago on one of my trips to Melbourne.

Your suffering is over little brother, until we meet again

R.I.P

Winter Blooms

Hi Everyone , Hope this finds you all well where ever you maybe.Well I have had a very easy week, Did a little shopping , Gwen popped in to see me, and another bowling friend called in,I had dinner at my sisters wednesday evening and played Indoor Bowls Thursday and today just the normal chores around the house then while the sun was shining potted around the garden and cut a few frost bitten plants back Tomorrow a rest day as were playing Indoor Bowls at Benalla on Sunday. Thats all folk.
Now on with a few photo's from my Garden.. Click on any to enlarge....

Spring is in the air. My Ist Jonquil to add brightness to the garden

Above and below same Arum Lily different view

This Fuchsia has not stopped blooming in months

First Orchid in flower this winter

Another of my Orchids comming into flower

Zygo"s growing out the top of Stag Fern

Elephant ears ( scented Lily) after a few heavy Frosts

Elephants Ears ( Scented Lily)After Pruning It will come back as big as ever

To End with a sunset on a cold winters night

A Little Senior Citizen Merriment Tonight Folk

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.

I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.
Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show.
Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.
Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!" Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?" Edna: "
No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

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Three Elderly Sisters

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live in a house together.
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts one foot in a pauses. She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then she yells out,
"Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says,
"I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure.
She then replies,

"I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" "No," he replied, "Arthritis."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oh, the pity of old age.

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out. I stopped and asked him what was wrong.
He said, "I have a 22 year old wife at home. She makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"
He said, "She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon."
I said, "Well, why are you crying?"
He said, "For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m."
I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"

He said, "I can't remember where I live!"

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