A couple of Jokes

As it's the end of our Australian Financial year, thought a Tax joke was appropriate!!

The Tax Man Cometh

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle dippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these matzo (bread) purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls.

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

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IF DOGS WERE TEACHES !!!!

Here are a few lessons We could all learn from our beloved four legged friends

• When loved ones come home,always run to greet them.
• Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
• Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
• When it's in your best interest, practice obedience. Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
• Take naps.
• Stretch before rising.
• Run, romp, and play daily.
• Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
• Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
• On warm days, stop to lie on your back in the grass.
• On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
• When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
• No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout..! run right back and make friends.
• Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
• Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
• Stop when you have had enough.
• Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.
• If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
• When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gentley

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TWO FLEA'S

Two fleas from Detroit had an agreement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation.

Last year when one flea gets to Miami, he's all blue, shivering and shaking, damn near froze to death!

The other flea asks him, "What the hell happened to you?"

The first flea says, "I rode down here from Mount Clemens in the moustache of a guy on a Harley."

The other flea responds saying," That's the worst way to travel. Try what I do. Go to the Metro airport bar. Have a few drinks. While you are there, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where it's warm and cosy. It's the best way to travel that I can think of."

The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next winter.

A year goes by..... When the first flea shows up in Miami he is all blue, and shivering and shaking again. Damn near froze to death.

The second flea says, "Didn't you try what I told you?"

Yes," says the first flea, "I did exactly as you said...... I went to the Metro airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess Came in. I crawled right up to her warm cosy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep immediately.

When I woke up, I was back in the moustache of the guy on the Harley."

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SCHOOL

A second grader come home from school and said to her mother,

"Mum, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.

The Mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool .

"Thats interesting" she said "How do u make babies?"

"Its simple" replied the girl. "You just change the "y" to "i" and add "es'

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Hmmm tough one. Think carefully before you check the answer ............

Scenario:

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car, and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at groundlevel. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

?

?

?

Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're pissed!!.

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A Little Bit of Humor

What marriage is about
He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.

The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.
He placed one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering.
You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal between the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.

The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.
She sat there watching her husband eat, and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged to let him buy another meal.

This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."
As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man once again came over to the little old lady, who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"
She answered

"THE TEETH."


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A boy came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering .
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well...last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."

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An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles spent the day at the zoo.
Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws.
"You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a girl in the line said to the little fella.

Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head.
His grandmother knelt down next to him "I love your freckles.
When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles," she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful!"

The boy looked up, "Really?"

"Of course," said the grandmother.

"Why, just name me one thing that's prettier than freckles."
The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandma's face,

and softly whispered, "Wrinkles."

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The Devils Marbles

The "Devils Marbles" are situated south of Tennant Creek.

The Devils Marbles are extraordinary round shaped balancing piles of granite boulders, some over 6 metres in diameter.

Aboriginals believe the rocks are the eggs of the Rainbow Serpent, the creator of their Dreamtime.

COOBER PEDY .. Part 2

Stopover and sightseeing tour CooberPedy .

Alan and I found it very interesting, I hope you all enjoy my photo's

On site Coober Pedy Caravan Park.

As its very dry here, and water is a precious commodity, you need to carry enough water to accommodate your needs, plus a little more !! Just to explain a little further, to take a shower at the caravan park it costs 40cents for a 3 minute shower, barely enough time to wash the dust from the body and the shampoo from the hair !!

Picture of the exterior of an underground Greek Orthodox Church.

The interior of the Greek Orthodox Church. Once again the picture does not show the beautiful colors of the walls and lead glass, If you look closely, you can see the sculptured ceilings.

Exterior of an underground home. One of many we walked through.

See previous post for the interior.

Coober Pedy Golf Course.

This is a picture of one of the "greens". Not a blade of Grass to be seen.

Peter said...
For anyone reading this that doesn't know about "Sand scrape Greens" they are pretty small and consist of sand with a fair amount of sump oil mixed into it.The multi reasons for this are, to stop the sand blowing away, to give a clear difference in colour to the sand that surronds them, and to enable a smooth line to be raked from ball to hole, all you need do then is try to gauge the pace of the green... Slow to Bloody Slow is about it.

Thanks Peter, Alan would have known that, but me, alas, had no idea!!

COOBER PEDY .. Photos of my travels

Coober Pedy (see location map below) is an Opal mining town, and because of the extreme temperatures the miners make their homes underground. The living areas are extended as the miners mine further into the earth and transform the mined areas into homes, churches, shops etc. It really is an underground town.

The photos do not do it justice, they are just glorious and an amazing sight to behold.

Opal Mines. It just all looks like piles of rubble, on a barron red dessert expanse.

Entrance to Opal mine, and underground home.

(Were Alan bought me a beautifull Opal Pendant. )

The entrance to the mine

Underground home, the temperatures inside stay a comfortable 22 - 25°C

The photos do not show the textures or colors of the walls, but believe me when I say it is just glorious.

A LITTLE QUOTE

You realise time waits for no one.
Treasure every moment you have.
You will treasure it even more when
You can share it with someone special

A Day On The Bowling Green

The start of another days bowling with view of
club house in background

same day different view Spot the Bowler???

Housework !!

Jen's "New Age" way of cleaning house
- My advice to all "Domestic Engineers"

1. Open a new file in your PC.
2. Name it "Housework."
3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN
4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN
5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?"
6. Calmly answer, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly......
7. Feel better?

This works for me - Hope it does for you!

A Little About Me

I lived my younger years in the big smoke "Melbourne". Married Alan (alias "Big Al") in July 1959.

Together we raised 4 wonderful children

From Left: Joanne, Donna, Gary & Carol (Xmas 2004)

• Carol (alias "Big Lou" & "its_me_cazz") born January 1960
• Gary (alias "Great Gatsby") born May, 1961
• Donna (alias "Skippy") born August, 1966
• Joanne (alias "Scruffy" & "checkez") born June, 1969

And combined, have given me 12 grandchildren & 4 step grandchildren. Pictures will pop up here and there - maybe in my "Nannas' Brag Book".

After spending many Christmas vacations at the Yarrawonga Caravan Park, fell in love with the town and decided to semi-retire, we bought a very old and run down house, and with a lot of help from family & friends, and many a fun "working bee" weekend, renovated and bought the old girl up to scratch. We fully retired in 1990, left the business for Gary to run and moved permanently to Yarrawonga.

The summers here at Yarra (as it is affectionately known) are VERY hot - nothing for it to be 40°C + for weeks at a time, but the winters are bloody cold dropping to below zero. So during the colder months, May through to September, Alan and I would load up the 4WD, hitch on the caravan and head up North, and visit friends in Darwin, then travel on and stay at LeePoint Caravan Park. During our trips we made many new friends, and it become like our second home. (Ahhh.. now that's another "blog")

In the April of 2004 I was diagnosed with bowel cancer. After 2 major surgeries and a large portion of the bowel removed, I am pleased to say that I am in full recovery and at this point in time am cancer free.

In October 2004, my beloved Alan suffered a major brain haemorrhage, and passed away a week later.

From then till now, I have lived a quieter life, staying at home and trying to come to terms with all that has transpired.

I am a member of our local services club Lady Bowlers (lawn bowls) and enjoy playing in social games and pennant comps. I also play indoor carpet bowls, of which my sister is also a member, and be both play social and pennant comps.

When not bowling, I like to spend time at the computer, playing a few online games at Yahoo, chatting with friends & family, and reading all at "Holtieshouse" and all his family associated blogs.

Well that's about it for tonight, brain is fried, the eyes are seeing double, need to go and stretch the legs, make a cuppa and head off to bed.

Niters for now,

Jen

First Post

Encouraged by my very good friends "Holtie" & "Merle", and a little help from family members, I have decided to give "BLOGGING" a try. I'm not sure what content will appear here, or how often updates will happen, only time will tell !!!