Friday, June 30, 2006

A couple of Jokes

As it's the end of our Australian Financial year, thought a Tax joke was appropriate!!

The Tax Man Cometh

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle dippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these matzo (bread) purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls.
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

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IF DOGS WERE TEACHES !!!!

Here are a few lessons We could all learn from our beloved four legged friends

  • When loved ones come home,always run to greet them.
  • Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
  • Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
  • When it's in your best interest, practice obedience. Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
  • Take naps.
  • Stretch before rising.
  • Run, romp, and play daily.
  • Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
  • Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
  • On warm days, stop to lie on your back in the grass.
  • On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
  • When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
  • No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout..! run right back and make friends.
  • Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
  • Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
  • Stop when you have had enough.
  • Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.
  • If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
  • When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gentley

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TWO FLEA'S

Two fleas from Detroit had an agreement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation.

Last year when one flea gets to Miami, he's all blue, shivering and shaking, damn near froze to death!

The other flea asks him, "What the hell happened to you?"

The first flea says, "I rode down here from Mount Clemens in the moustache of a guy on a Harley."

The other flea responds saying," That's the worst way to travel. Try what I do. Go to the Metro airport bar. Have a few drinks. While you are there, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where it's warm and cosy. It's the best way to travel that I can think of."

The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next winter.

A year goes by..... When the first flea shows up in Miami he is all blue, and shivering and shaking again. Damn near froze to death.

The second flea says, "Didn't you try what I told you?"

Yes," says the first flea, "I did exactly as you said...... I went to the Metro airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess Came in. I crawled right up to her warm cosy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep immediately.

When I woke up, I was back in the moustache of the guy on the Harley."


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SCHOOL

A second grader come home from school and said to her mother,

"Mum, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.

The Mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool .

"Thats interesting" she said "How do u make babies?"

"Its simple" replied the girl. "You just change the "y" to "i" and add "es'

===============

Hmmm tough one. Think carefully before you check the answer ............

Scenario:

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car, and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at groundlevel. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

?

?

?

Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're pissed!!.

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4 Comments:

Anonymous Carol said...

Ahhhh.. think I've riden that "merry go round" on more than one occassion, and if I'm correct, I think you might have been riding in the helicopter!!!!

"Bottoms up" (Cheers, down the hatch, etc, etc, etc)

Well it is Friday night, girls drink night, might catch a ride again!!

Niters mum
xxxoooxxxx

July 01, 2006 3:13 am  
Blogger Meow said...

Hi Jeanette, thanks for visiting my picture blog. I have always loved Yarrawonga. Do you know the spot where we camped ... about 25 km from Yarrawonga, toward Cobram, in through a property called Kuranda, almost opposite Grinter Road, in through the forest. It is gorgeous.
Hope you are having a great weekend.
Take care, Meow

July 01, 2006 9:33 pm  
Blogger Merle said...

Hi Jan ~~ Good jokes, I liked the last one best. I can't remember last time I even saw a merry-go-round (carousel)
Take care, Merle.

July 01, 2006 11:24 pm  
Blogger Peter said...

Yep Jan the last one was the winner with me too.
Guess it's getting cold in Yarra by now? brrr.

July 02, 2006 10:06 am  

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