My computers Back

Hi Everybody! Hope your all well were ever you maybe. My computer arrived back late today by courier so ive spent most of the evening adding my programs,and tomorrow after bowls, I will try to add and resize the photo's I have taken in the garden and a few others I have on the camera, so will start posting them in a few days. And I will be getting around to visit you all once again. Its just after Midnight so im off to bed.

Ill leave with a few more Jokes .
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Sunday Church
Would our Elders go for this?

Good morning, To encourage both the faithful and unfaithful to attend church this year, every Sunday will be a "No Excuse Sunday" and the following will be provided:
Cots will be placed in the vestibule for those who say, "Sunday is my only day to sleep."Murine will be available for those with tired eyes--from watching TV too late on Saturday night.
There will be steel helmets for those who say, "The roof would cave in if I ever went to church."
Blankets will be furnished for those who think the church is too cold, and fans for those who say it is too hot.

We will have hearing aids for those who say, "The minister speaks too softly" and cotton for those who say, "The preacher's too loud."

Score cards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present. Some relatives will be in attendance for those who like to go visiting on Sundays.

There will be TV dinners for those who can't go to church and cook dinner also.

One section of the church will be devoted to trees and grass for those who like to seek God in nature.

Finally, the church will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who have never seen it without them. Don’t you love this idea?? (especially the last one!)
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FUNNY STORY
Funny Cat Story - and you don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one.
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eave party.
We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered out
pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and we opened the door to leave the house. The cat we had
put out in the backyard scooted back into the house.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat
the bird.
My wife went out to the taxi while I went inside to get the cat. The cat
run upstairs with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house
would be empty for the night . . .
So, she explained to the driver that I would be out soon, "He's just going
upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long", I said as
we drove away.
"That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat
hanger to get her to come out!
She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap
her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me, but it worked
. . . . And then I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out in the
backyard."
The driver hit a parked car .

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SPAGHETTI
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several
years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she
was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large
sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she
stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support
until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep
it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write
"Spaghetti"on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments
to begin! .

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.
The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white,
and fainted.
On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with
meatballs, one without."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The phone rings, and the lady of the house answers,
"Hello."“Mrs. Ward, please.""Speaking.""Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical
Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your
husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy
from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we
are now uncertain as to which one is your
husband's. Frankly, the results are either bad or
terrible.""What do you mean?", Mrs. Ward asks nervously."Well, one of the specimens tested positive for
Alzheimer's disease, and the other one tested
positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's.""That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?",
questioned Mrs. Ward."Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for
these expensive tests one time.""Well, what am I supposed to do now?""The people at Medicare recommend that you
drop your husband off somewhere in the middle
of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep
with him."

A Lttle more humour

Hi everyone, im hoping to get my computer back by the weekend all going well! We have had a warm few days was 37c = 98f yesterday and I spent the day in the garden do a little weeding switching a few pots about and finished up repotting a few of my orchids took a few photos but will keep them till i get my computer back... today was 36c, I went to visit my sister,a little later visited a sick friend,then recieved a phone call to ask me to bowl (Indoor carpet) tonight and of course I said yes, We our team were runners up tonight, tomorrow the air condition serviceman is comming to take cover of AC and turn it on for me... Tomorrow a cool change 25c. Im slowly making my way round to visiting you all and will visit each and everyone of you as soon as possible. Now to end with a few more jokes.

New priest in town

A priest from Ireland was assigned to a Texas diocese
One morning, Father O'Malley rose from his bed.
It was a fine spring Day in his new Texas mission parish He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.
He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
Good morning, this is Sergeant Jones, how might I help you?" "And the best of the day te yerself.
This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's.
There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple O yer lads to take care of the matter?" Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."
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the intercom
A jumbo jet is just coming into the Vancouver Airport on its final approach.

The pilot comes on the intercom,"This is Captain Scott. We're on our final descent into Vancouver.I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Vancouver"

He forgets to switch off the intercom.

Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.
The co pilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Vancouver?""Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap.... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner..... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all night
."Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new stewardess.
Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane.
She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off.
Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a Poop first."*

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Wife from Hell
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I
Clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60,
Perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be
Silly dear, you know this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at
His wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your
Radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar
Detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched
Teeth. "Damnit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice you're not
Wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but
Took it off when you pulled me over so I could get my license out of my
Back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well you didn't
Have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're
Driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the
Driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always
Talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
I love this part....
"Only when he's been drinking."

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Experience is the father of wisdom. ----Anonymous

The grand essentials in this life are something to do,

something to love, and something to hope for. ----Addison

From a little spark may burst a mighty flame.

Dante Asking costs little. ----Italian Proverb

A good laugh is sunshine in a house. ----Thackery

Think not those faithful who praise all thy words and actions, but those who kindly reprove thy faults.---- Socrates

A few jokes

Hi Everyone, Hope your all well where ever you maybe. I am still waiting on the return of my computer hopefully ill get it back very shortly.then ill be able to download all my photo's I have taken in my absense from blogging. In the mean time I have been able to download a few bits and pieces onto my old computer its a lot slower, but hopefully ill be able to get around and visiting you all very soon.

IRISH PROSTITUTE

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her father cussed her,'Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute......'Ye what!!?
Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family.''
OK, dad-- as ye wish.
I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 millionFor me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath).... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..
''Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says dad.
Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.''Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant.

Come here and give yer old man a hug!'

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Men
Driving to the office this morning on the interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a
woman in her brand newMercedes doing 65 miles per hour.
With her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her makeup!
I looked away for a couple seconds and whenI looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that damn makeup!!

Well, I'm a man, but this sight scared me so badly,I dropped my electric razor, which knocked the donut out my other hand, then while trying to straighten out the car using my knee, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned my crotch, ruined the damn phone and disconnected a very important call!!
HE SHOUTED LOUSY WOMEN DRIVERS!!
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Woman's Poem

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him...
Like his MOTHER used to do.

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To end with a few Adages,

One today is worth two tomorrows.

Give thy purse rather than thy time.

A man who does nothing never has time to do anything.

They who make the best use of their time have none to spare.

Lost time is never found again.

Nothing is more precious than time, yet nothing less valued.

In the short life of man no lost time can be afforded.

Lose no time; be always employed in something useful.

Keep out of all unnecessary action. B. Franklin