Tuesday, October 09, 2007

A few jokes

Hi Everyone, Hope your all well where ever you maybe. I am still waiting on the return of my computer hopefully ill get it back very shortly.then ill be able to download all my photo's I have taken in my absense from blogging. In the mean time I have been able to download a few bits and pieces onto my old computer its a lot slower, but hopefully ill be able to get around and visiting you all very soon.

IRISH PROSTITUTE

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her father cussed her,'Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute......'Ye what!!?
Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family.''
OK, dad-- as ye wish.
I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 millionFor me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath).... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..
''Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says dad.
Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.''Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant.

Come here and give yer old man a hug!'


~~~~~~~~~

Men
Driving to the office this morning on the interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a
woman in her brand newMercedes doing 65 miles per hour.
With her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her makeup!
I looked away for a couple seconds and whenI looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that damn makeup!!

Well, I'm a man, but this sight scared me so badly,I dropped my electric razor, which knocked the donut out my other hand, then while trying to straighten out the car using my knee, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned my crotch, ruined the damn phone and disconnected a very important call!!
HE SHOUTED LOUSY WOMEN DRIVERS!!

~~~~~~~~~~

Woman's Poem

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him...
Like his MOTHER used to do.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To end with a few Adages,

One today is worth two tomorrows.

Give thy purse rather than thy time.

A man who does nothing never has time to do anything.

They who make the best use of their time have none to spare.

Lost time is never found again.

Nothing is more precious than time, yet nothing less valued.

In the short life of man no lost time can be afforded.

Lose no time; be always employed in something useful.

Keep out of all unnecessary action. B. Franklin

Labels:

30 Comments:

Blogger Gattina said...

Hahaha, a good laughter for my morning coffee ! Hope you get your computer back soon ! It's now already quite a while.
BTW today I take the Cyber Cruise to the home of my friends in Italy which dates from 1462 ! So if you are interested to have a look ...

October 14, 2007 7:17 pm  
Blogger JunieRose2005 said...

:)

I liked all the jokes!


Hey- hope you're back soon- :) all the way back-I mean!


Junie

October 15, 2007 11:32 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just visited for the 1st time, saw your blog via Allotment Ladys' blog.
What a laugh I've had! Thank you.
I have a peice of card from a keyring fob that says, " The most wasted day of all is that in we which we have not laughed." True.

Sandie (Sandie's Patch)

October 15, 2007 8:16 pm  
Blogger Pamela said...

snort!
I'm feeling so much better this week that I could laugh without coughing.

What a joy!!! I've got to remember that first one for my Irish boss at work. She loves them -- and then she can repeat them with a fake accent that is very entertaining.

October 16, 2007 12:37 am  
Blogger Raggedy said...

I hope you get your computer back soon!
Great jokes!
Have a wonderful day!
*^_^
(=':'=) hugs
(")_ (")Š from
the Cool Raggedy one

October 16, 2007 2:41 am  
Blogger Anita said...

Dear Jen!

I hope you are doing fine! Sorry for not having been here for quite a while!

Do you know that I still have an envelope here containg the lupine seeds you won at my seed give-away?????

Best wishes, Anita

October 16, 2007 3:00 am  
Blogger LZ Blogger said...

Jen - There are way too many truths in those adages! Some things there that I had better go ponder now! THX! ~ jb///

October 16, 2007 3:26 am  
Blogger Gledwood said...

;->...

Thanks for your message.

I think I am tired and depressed because it is bloody autumn again!!

Hope your computer gets returned to you in good health soon!!

October 16, 2007 3:29 am  
Blogger Gledwood said...

PS I'm not taking strange substances from tobacco tins again!

October 16, 2007 3:34 am  
Anonymous colleen said...

I enjoyed the Irish joke. Hope you get your base of operation back soon!

October 16, 2007 11:06 pm  
Blogger Merle said...

Hi Jan ~~ Loved the jokes, I think the Irish one wins tonight. Thanks for your comments, glad you like the header on my blog. Peter surprised me with it. I have awarded you a Fabulous Award - it is on my sidebar and you pass it on to 5 more folks.Take care, my friend. Thanks for the goodies you sen I loved the Bee Gees singing to that art show.
Love, Merle.

October 17, 2007 12:53 am  
Blogger Gledwood said...

I know you've been dying to see what I look like... here goes...

October 17, 2007 1:05 am  
Blogger Heart of Rachel said...

Hi Jeanette. How are you? Hope you're doing well.

It's past midnight. Thanks for sharing some laughter. I'm about to go to bed. I'm sure I'll have pleasant dreams now.

Take care!

October 17, 2007 2:30 am  
Blogger RUTH said...

I've missed you and your jokes! These are brilliant! Thanks & {{HUGS}}
Rx

October 17, 2007 4:07 am  
Blogger Renae said...

Love the jokes!! Hope you get your computer back real soon. You guys are just going into the spring, and we are in the fall already !! LOL !! Cheers for now. Have a terrific week!! Cheers !

October 17, 2007 6:26 am  
Blogger Lady Di Tn said...

Well I bouced over and see you are half way up. An old slow computer is better than no computer.
Fun Post
PS Prince has located a old wheel barrow for me to use next spring.
Peace

October 17, 2007 9:43 am  
Blogger Susie said...

Great jokes! Hope you get your computer back soon. What do we ever do without them!!
xo

October 17, 2007 1:23 pm  
Blogger Merle said...

Hi Jan ~~ Thanks for your comments and e mail. Glad you liked the quote
'Tis better to have loved and lost, Than never to have loved at all.
Also I hope the computer nearly ready for you. Sounds like Joe is gathering up your photos and files or trying to. Take care, my friend, Love, Merle.

October 18, 2007 12:14 am  
Blogger Sonia said...

Funny jokes! LOL!

Thanks for your visiting on my blog!

October 18, 2007 3:58 am  
Blogger Puss-in-Boots said...

Hi Jen

Computer troubles...it seems to be catching. Hope yours are sorted soon

Hugs xoxo

October 18, 2007 1:40 pm  
Blogger Merle said...

Hi again Jan ~~ I sent you an e mail
yesterday, but it was returned. Glad you like the new header ~ Peter put
it on and I was surprised, but like it. Did you see that I chose to give you a Fabulous award (Peter put the thing on my sidebar) and you pass it on to 5 others. Glad Joe is trying to restore all your photos and files.
Hope it won't be too much longer.
Take care, Love, Merle.

October 18, 2007 3:18 pm  
Blogger UKBob said...

I sure hope you will be back soon Jeanette, I guess we will just have to be patient. After all they do say that the best things in life are worth waiting for don't they. Bob.

October 20, 2007 3:23 am  
Blogger Meow (aka Connie) said...

Hi Jeanette, hope you get your computer back soon ... it's not nice being with out one, is it.
Hope you are enjoying this glorious weather we are having.
Take care, Meow

October 20, 2007 7:19 pm  
Blogger UKBob said...

Hi Jeanette, To answer the question you asked 'The Hiking Gardener'. The West Highalnd Way walk was undertaken back in 1990 and during every long walk I did I experienced just about every emotion going during the walk but basically speaking I didn't get to feeling lonely or miss anything back home but for some reason these past few years have been without long walks for that very reason. The last couple of long walks that I did I missed my family and everything really badly which is a shame as I used to enjoy getting away walking for weeks at a time. With regard to my 'As The Night Falls' blog I'm thinking it will be as 'The Gardener To The Big House' was but without the big house pics if you see what I mean. Bob.

October 20, 2007 7:56 pm  
Blogger Janice said...

Hi,

Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him...
Like his MOTHER used to do.
Funny!

The time adages were interesting too.

I hope you get your computer back soon, but Now I'm out of time.

Janice~

October 21, 2007 3:27 pm  
Blogger Merle said...

Hi again Jan ~~ Glad it sounds as though you will soon have your computer back which will be beaut.
And not having another trip is good too. John is fine and even climbed on my roof to turn on the Evap.Colling
Just is time - it's a hottie today.
We went to the craft market, but all I wanted was more Pelargoniums, so we got them and left. Didn't want to keep him in the heat for too long.
Take care, my friend, Love, Merle.

October 21, 2007 5:04 pm  
Blogger UKBob said...

Hi Jeanette, with regard to your comment on 'The Hiking Gardener' about the hips, there was a reason for why they were huring so much at the start of this walk and the reason will eventually be disclosed. Hope you're managing to stay cool. Bob.

October 22, 2007 12:13 am  
Blogger Hootin'Anni said...

I miss you!!!!

[now about that Irish lass---I think I'm related....being that she's rich and all] Where'd you say her yacht was anchored?

October 22, 2007 9:24 am  
Blogger Merle said...

Hi once again Jan ~~ I will be glad when you get your computer back and put on a new post!! Glad John got the cooler on for me and hope you got yours on too. Tomorrow is supposed to be cooler. I like the sound of the nearly black pelagonium Gen gave you.
I took more pics today to post tomorrow.
Take care, Love, Merle.

October 22, 2007 9:06 pm  
Blogger Gina E. said...

Gosh Jeanette, I hope you see this post - way down the bottom under 29 others!! Just wondering if you have ever come across this blog, by an American 'senior' male - very funny!
http://seniorcitizenhumor.blogspot.com/

October 22, 2007 9:19 pm  

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