Happy St Patrick's Day

A drunk gets on a bus and asks the conductor how long the trip is between Limerick to Cork. "About 2 hours," says the conductor."Okay," says the drunk "then how long is the trip between Cork to Limerick?" The irate conductor says to the drunk "It's still about 2 hours, man.Why'd ya think there'd be a difference?" "Well," says the drunk, "It's only a week between Christmas and New Year's, but it's a helluva long time between New Year's to Christmas!"

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THE IRISH PROSTITUTE

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her. 'Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute......'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family.''OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 millionFor me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath).... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and....''Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says dad.Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.''Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug!'

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Dentist

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.The man said to the dentist, "Doctor, I'm in one hell of a big hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it.I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!" The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this sure is a very brave man, asking me to pull his tooth without using anything to kill the pain". So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir? " The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show the doctor which tooth hurts."

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Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.Paddy, the officer, stops them and tells them: 'It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four''Quattro is just the name of the automobile,' the Englishman retorts disbelievingly. 'Look at the papers, this car is designed to carry five persons.''You cannot pull that one on me,' replies Paddy 'Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.'The Englishmen replies angrily, 'You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!''Sorry,' responds Paddy, 'Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.'

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An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.

The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs! 'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'

The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'

'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor. 'No, from the f**kin' skippin'
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Paddy and Mick were nailing up the side of a wooden house.Mick noticed that Paddy was examining the nails and throwing away every second and third.'What's wrong with the nails?' he asked.'Sure the heads are at the wrong end.''You are stupid you idiot, can't you see they are for the other side of the house!.

Happy St Patrick's Day

FOR THE GLORY OF IRELAND
Paddy the Englishman, Paddy the Irishman, Paddy the Scotsman, and Paddy the Welshman were all flying together in an airliner.
The captain announced that they were losing altitude rapidly and that one of them would have to jump out to save the others.
"I do this for the glory of Scotland," said Paddy the Scotsman and he jumped out.
"We need to lose more weight," said the captain, so Paddy the Welshman shouted, "I do this for the glory of Wales," and jumped out.
"Sorry," said the captain. "I'm afraid we need to lose the weight of just one more person."
"I do this for the glory of Ireland," said Paddy the Irishman and threw out Paddy the Englishman
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A young Irish girl goes into her priest on Saturday morning for confession.
"Father, forgive me for I have sinned."
"You've Thinnned?"
"Yes, I went out with me boyfriend Friday night. He held me hand twice, kissed me three times, and made love to me two times."
"Daughter! I want you to go straight home, squeeze seven lemons into a glass, and drink it straight down."
"Will that wash away me Thin?"
"No, but it will get the silly smile off your face."

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Walking into the bar, 'Mike said to Charlie" the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one "- just had another fight with the little woman.

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"
When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.
'Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."*

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MIRACLES
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord!

He's done it again!"

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