Sunday, March 16, 2008

Happy St Patrick's Day



A drunk gets on a bus and asks the conductor how long the trip is between Limerick to Cork. "About 2 hours," says the conductor."Okay," says the drunk "then how long is the trip between Cork to Limerick?" The irate conductor says to the drunk "It's still about 2 hours, man.Why'd ya think there'd be a difference?" "Well," says the drunk, "It's only a week between Christmas and New Year's, but it's a helluva long time between New Year's to Christmas!"


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THE IRISH PROSTITUTE

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her. 'Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute......'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family.''OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 millionFor me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath).... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and....''Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says dad.Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.''Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Dentist

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.The man said to the dentist, "Doctor, I'm in one hell of a big hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it.I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!" The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this sure is a very brave man, asking me to pull his tooth without using anything to kill the pain". So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir? " The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show the doctor which tooth hurts."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.Paddy, the officer, stops them and tells them: 'It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four''Quattro is just the name of the automobile,' the Englishman retorts disbelievingly. 'Look at the papers, this car is designed to carry five persons.''You cannot pull that one on me,' replies Paddy 'Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.'The Englishmen replies angrily, 'You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!''Sorry,' responds Paddy, 'Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.'

~~~~~~~~~~

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.

The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs! 'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'

The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'

'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor. 'No, from the f**kin' skippin'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy and Mick were nailing up the side of a wooden house.Mick noticed that Paddy was examining the nails and throwing away every second and third.'What's wrong with the nails?' he asked.'Sure the heads are at the wrong end.''You are stupid you idiot, can't you see they are for the other side of the house!.


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21 Comments:

Blogger Sonia said...

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Love your photo on the header/banner! Cheers!

March 17, 2008 12:47 am  
Blogger Hootin' Anni said...

The Irish prostitute!!! Gotta love that one. I'm seriously thinking I can't breathe, laughing so hard.

And for tomorrow ---you have a grand o' day wearing o' the green!!!

March 17, 2008 12:53 am  
Blogger Gattina said...

I think I missed my vocation ! I should have become an irish prostitute, lol ! I would live today in a mansion !
We don't celebrate St. Patrick's at all here in Europe only in Ireland and I am sure they celebrate less then the Americans, lol !
I found Google Reader and think it's a great tool, I wrote about it today.

March 17, 2008 1:34 am  
Blogger smilnsigh said...

And a Happy St. Patrick's Day to you too!!!!!!!!!!

March 17, 2008 1:46 am  
Anonymous Allotment Lady said...

Great jokes - really had me laughing on a rotten wet day.

March 17, 2008 1:51 am  
Blogger rusty in miami said...

Happy St Patrick day to you. We are looking forward to a great day tomorrow, I got my green shirt ready.

March 17, 2008 10:38 am  
Blogger Merle said...

Hi Jan ~~ Happy St. Patrick's Day to
you too and the jokes were great. I
have to post mine later. I guess you are enjoying having Donna's girls there for the week. I was pleased to see Joh and catch up with his news.
The hot weather is hanging on for too long isn't it? I think it may be cooler over Easter. I hope so, as I am going to Bacchus Marsh to my cousin for a few days. Take care my friend and keep cool. Love, Merle.

March 17, 2008 2:48 pm  
Blogger The Ramblin Irishman said...

Happy St. Patrick's day Jen. I must admit those Irish jokes were darned funny.

March 18, 2008 5:35 am  
Blogger Gledwood said...

I love the dentist one!

St Paddy seems to be everywhere but HERE is it really such a big deal of a day in Australia? Everyone in Australia, Canada and most Americans have mentioned it today and yet I've passed about five pubs today and not a single mention (it IS a drinking festival thing, yes?...)

March 18, 2008 5:51 am  
Blogger PEA said...

Happy St. Patrick's Day, dear Jen:-) It's bedtime for me but I wanted to visit a few more friends first...after reading these jokes, I'll be laughing in my sleep!! lol Love them!! xoxo

March 18, 2008 2:35 pm  
Blogger Janice said...

Hi,

Happy St. Patrick's day!

I enjoyed the jokes.

Janice~

March 18, 2008 5:40 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Mum,2 more sleeps.... One lot leaves the next are coming... did Carol leave any extra meals for me ???? Go Tigers!!!

March 18, 2008 9:04 pm  
Blogger Fliss and Mike Adventures said...

G'day G'day... well, I should be saying Top 'o the mornin' to ya...

March 18, 2008 11:14 pm  
Blogger Merle said...

Hi again Jan ~~ Glad you liked the jokes and the poem was a nice one. Congrats on being chosen to play pennant, you must be doing something right. Thanks for the Desiderata ~I love that and if you Google, Author, Desiderata, you will find that it was written by a junior rector at St. Pauls, in Baltimore and his name was Max Ehrmann. I have a copy on the wall in the littlest room.
Take care, Keep as cool as possible, Love, Merle.

March 19, 2008 1:36 am  
Blogger JunieRose2005 said...

LOL-


All very funny, Jen!

I laughed hardest with the Irish prostitute one! :) OH WELL! It was funny!

Hope your day was a good one!


Junie

March 19, 2008 8:02 am  
Blogger bigbikerbob said...

Hi Jen, Good jokes a laugh before bed, just what the Dr ordered.

March 19, 2008 11:44 am  
Blogger Jim said...

Hi Jan, it is a good thing I came back. Evidently when I came I didn't 'publish' my comment.

Anyway, I hope your St. Patricks's Day turned out nice and happy with all the green.

Mine did on the blog, you will have to scroll down to see my green post because now I have something new, and for you.

Over there, I have made an award to you of the "You Light Up My Life Award" award. This award was designed by my blogging friend, The Teach, from New York.
He has put some requirements on the recipients.
The details are on my JIM'S LITTLE BLOG.

A description of the award: "Light gives of itself freely, filling all available space. It does not seek anything in return; it asks not whether you are friend or foe. It gives of itself and is not thereby diminished."

I hope you like it.
..

March 20, 2008 1:01 am  
Blogger Pamela said...

I think I want to try that skippin diet. how funny. snort.

March 20, 2008 1:26 am  
Blogger HORIZON said...

Auchh- (said with a Scottish accent) l missed St. Paddy's day wishes for you. Love the new banner photo- very classy- so what are you drinking l wonder?? A dry white wine or chardonnay??
cheers! :) Great jokes :)
Happy belated St. Patrick's Day Jen.
Hope you're keeping well.xx

March 20, 2008 1:36 am  
Blogger Hootin' Anni said...

I have a little 'giftie' for you on my Thursday 13!!

March 20, 2008 9:53 am  
Blogger Susie said...

Hi Jen,
I'm smiling at all these jokes as I write this. Love the photo of you :)
Hope you had a wonderful St Patrick's Day!
xo

March 20, 2008 11:16 am  

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