Happy St Patrick's Day
A drunk gets on a bus and asks the conductor how long the trip is between Limerick to Cork. "About 2 hours," says the conductor."Okay," says the drunk "then how long is the trip between Cork to Limerick?" The irate conductor says to the drunk "It's still about 2 hours, man.Why'd ya think there'd be a difference?" "Well," says the drunk, "It's only a week between Christmas and New Year's, but it's a helluva long time between New Year's to Christmas!"
THE IRISH PROSTITUTE
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her. 'Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute......'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family.''OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 millionFor me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath).... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and....''Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says dad.Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.''Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug!'
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.The man said to the dentist, "Doctor, I'm in one hell of a big hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it.I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!" The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this sure is a very brave man, asking me to pull his tooth without using anything to kill the pain". So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir? " The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show the doctor which tooth hurts."
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.Paddy, the officer, stops them and tells them: 'It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four''Quattro is just the name of the automobile,' the Englishman retorts disbelievingly. 'Look at the papers, this car is designed to carry five persons.''You cannot pull that one on me,' replies Paddy 'Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.'The Englishmen replies angrily, 'You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!''Sorry,' responds Paddy, 'Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.'
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.
The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs! 'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'
The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'
'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor. 'No, from the f**kin' skippin'
Paddy and Mick were nailing up the side of a wooden house.Mick noticed that Paddy was examining the nails and throwing away every second and third.'What's wrong with the nails?' he asked.'Sure the heads are at the wrong end.''You are stupid you idiot, can't you see they are for the other side of the house!.
Labels: Humour - Irish