Gday everyone, I have had a very quiet week, Nothing to report. Emily has gone home to visit her family for the weekend,I thought of going with her, but im slowly getting over a heavy cold, Thumping headache, runny nose and barking like a seal.and didnt feel up to the 3hr drive besides didnt want to pass it on to the family and Grandkids...
Ill be around visiting you all as soon as I feel up to it...
Now on with a few jokes
The Little old lady
Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st? Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago. Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years! Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled,
And that's when I shot him, the little bastard got his just deserts.
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact.
'Mary! Mary!'' Is that you Fred?
''Yes, I've come back as we agreed.'
'What's it like?
''Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night.
The next day it all starts again'.'
Oh Fred, you surely must be in heaven.
''Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Suffolk!!'
OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet! An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as it was on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help.
She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing .
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arlene, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing.
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?' The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.
" Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."
Husband: Oh, come on.
Wife: Leave me alone!
Husband: It won't take long.
Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Husband: I can't sleep without it.
Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Husband: Because I'm Hot.
Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Husband: You don't love me anymore.
Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Husband: Please...come on
Wife: Alright, I'll do it.
Husband: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Wife: I can't find it.
Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Wife: There! Are you satisfied?
Husband: Oh, yes.
Wife: Is it up far enough?
Husband: ! Oh, that's good.
Wife: Now go to sleep, and from now on when you want the window open,
do it yourself.
Now, what were you expecting?
Old Farts' Golf
Arthur is 90 years old.
He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
one day he arrives home looking downcast."That's it," he tells his wife.
"I'm giving up golf.
My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went.
"His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea.
As they sit down, she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try.""That's no good," sighs Arthur. "
Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help.""He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect.
"So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.
He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?""Of course I did!" replies the brother-in-
law. "I have perfect eyesight."
"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.
"I don't remember."
THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Labels: Humour - Aged