A few more jokes to help you smile
A young and successful executive was traveling down a neighborhood street, going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar.
He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something.
As his car passed, no children appeared.
Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door! He slammed on the brakes and backed the Jag back to the spot where the brick had been thrown
The angry driver then jumped out of the car, grabbed the nearest kid and pushed him up against a parked car shouting,
'What was that all about and who are you?
Just what the heck are you doing? that's a new car and that brick you threw is going to cost a lot of money.
Why did you do it?
' The young boy was apologetic. 'Please, mister...please, I'm sorry but I didn't know what else to do,' He pleaded.
'I threw the brick because no one else would stop....
' With tears dripping down his face and off his chin, the youth pointed to a spot just around a parked car.
'It's my brother, 'he said 'He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up.'
Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive, 'Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me.'
Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat.
He hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy back into the wheelchair, then took out a linen handkerchief and dabbed at the fresh scrapes and cuts.
A quick look told him everything was going to be okay.
'Thank you and may God bless you,' the grateful child told the stranger.
Too shook up for words, the man simply watched the boy! push his wheelchair-bound brother down the sidewalk toward their home.
It was a long, slow walk back to the Jaguar.
The damage was very noticeable, but the driver never bothered to repair the dented side door. He kept the dent there to remind him of this message:
'Don't go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention!'
God whispers in our souls and speaks to our hearts.
Sometimes when we don't have time to listen, He has to throw a brick at us. It's our choice to listen or not.
Evil by nature
A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?"
she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no, he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair."
I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "
Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need for you to give him a message,"
she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one holding onto their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was extremely well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in the 4th grade..'
'No, ma'am, ' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh.'
A Florida couple, both well into their 70's, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?' The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.'
He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50 and says good bye.
This happens several weeks in a row.
The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
After 3 months of this routine the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask.
Just what are you trying to find out?
' The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything She's married and we can't go to her house.
I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.
A Blonde's Year in Review
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said '2-4 years!'April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slopeJuly
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open.September
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days . instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!
December Couldn't call 911 . 'duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!