Thursday, July 10, 2008

A Little Laughter



Arther is 90 years old.


He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it", he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad.... once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes, and makes him a cuppa.
As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try".
"That's no good" sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help".
"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, but his eyesight is perfect".
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.
He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law.
"Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!"
"Where did it go?" says Arthur.
"I can't remember".


~~~~`


Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.
One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that? Mabel: a condomthis way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it? Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms .
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.' The pharmacist fainted.
~~~~~~~~


A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny? "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
~~~~~`


Daddy's car in the woods?


Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.


Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.


'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane, I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'


At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt,Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the rigs


.'Mummy fainted!

Moral: Sometimes you need

listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

~~~~~~



INDIAN WITH ONE TESTICLE

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,'If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!

'The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Goodmorning, Onestone.

'He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.

He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.

'Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

What is the moral of this story?????.
.OH, Come on... take a guess!

Think about it..

.(You're going to love this!)


V


v


v
And the moral is...


You can't kill two birds with one stone!!

~~~~~

Hope these made you smile today.

Cheers \_/ \_/


Labels:

17 Comments:

Blogger Heart of Rachel said...

Thanks for the good laugh Jen. Have a great weekend.

July 11, 2008 11:00 pm  
Blogger Mike Golch said...

G'day, I saw the remark that you left at Hootin-Anni's.when you said the high and lows I decided to come over for a visit. Hugs and blessing!that's my story and I'm sticking to it,Mate!

July 12, 2008 6:01 am  
Blogger Lady Di Tn said...

LOL.I am like Julia Roberts I almost peed in my pants when I read little Johnny story and Onestone. Your a card.Peace

July 12, 2008 9:42 am  
Blogger Jim said...

Hi Jan -- Your jokes were great tonight! The Camel joke was my fave.

Your previous post was great with all the family pictures. No one looks a day older than when I first saw them.

I have been out of pocket since the 1st of July, away to Nebraska (you saw my posts) and just returned from Colorado today.
Thanks for reading about our Blogstock, maybe you guys could come next year?
..

July 12, 2008 3:34 pm  
Blogger Merle said...

Dear Jan ~~ Good jokes, I liked Daddy's car best tonight. Thanks for your comments and especially for the photos. It sure has been a cold week and all agree about that. Connie and her husband, and daughter called in only briefly and we had a nice time catching up and having a quick lunch.
It was lovely to see them. Connie had seen you and Pauline on my blog. Glad you enjoyed the blind rabbit and the quote from Paul Getty. Take care, my friend,
When do you have the scan? Take care dear friend and keep warm,
Love, Merle.

July 12, 2008 6:59 pm  
Blogger Peggy said...

Had to call William and share the jokes. We both thank you for the laughs

July 13, 2008 12:08 am  
Blogger Ruthie said...

Thanks for visiting my blog. Come over whenever you can. I was born in China and when I was in school for missionaries children, some of our teachers were from Australia.
I enjoyed your pictures of the countryside there.
SMiles.

July 13, 2008 4:53 am  
Blogger Susie said...

Hi Jen,
All great jokes, but Daddy's car was hilarious! Your posts always give me a smile!
xo

July 14, 2008 6:10 am  
Blogger Janice said...

Hi Jeanette,

I like the one stone joke, LOL.

Take care.
P.S. I'm a little better today.
Janice~

July 14, 2008 10:59 am  
Blogger Hootin' Anni said...

You crack me up!!! Love the first one [my brother in law is an avid golfer, I must send this to hime!] And then killin' two birds with one stone....dang, that's a hoot!

July 14, 2008 10:11 pm  
Blogger s.m. said...

Rejoice that I found your blog on a very very good I will read you in the future

July 15, 2008 4:25 am  
Blogger JunieRose2005 said...

LOL- Jen, your jokes are always so funny...just the right amount of naughty! hahaha

Daddy's car was my favorite! :)

The last one also was very funny!!


Junie

July 15, 2008 11:24 am  
Blogger Merle said...

Hi again Jan ~~ Thanks for your comment on the picture of Connie
and myself. She is so pretty with a
lovely smile. The scan was fine ~ just a ganglion and leave it alone.
Did you see in Monday's Sun that Olive had passed away. Mike got home the day before, but she was too far gone to recognize them. She was a real character, full of spunk.
Take care dear friend, how is your pain? Love, Merle.

July 15, 2008 11:39 pm  
Blogger Alice said...

Good laughs today. I especially liked the old golfer as I could never see where the ball went either. And it would be just like my husband to see it but forget.

July 15, 2008 11:46 pm  
Blogger Pear tree cottage! said...

Lol I have no idea were you find them but (no don't tell me!)(smiles) just keep them coming they are such fun.

Lee-ann

July 16, 2008 10:51 am  
Blogger Penless Thoughts said...

Hi Jeanette so glad to "see" you again. Sorry you've had computer problems and really sorry you had some bad news today.

If you don't mine please send me an e-mail address (mine is on my about me page). I have a really funny joke to send you. It's too long for me to post but I know you would really love it.

If you need prayer please link on my Hearts In "1" Accord prayer group button and leave a request.
((hugs))
Susan

July 16, 2008 11:33 am  
Blogger Pamela said...

bwaaa ha ha ha ha...

Must remember the two birds/one stone joke.

July 19, 2008 11:33 am  

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