A few more jokes

Stranded Scotsman

A Scotsman has been stranded on a deserted island for more than 10 years.
One day he sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks to himself,

'It canna be a ship.' And, as the speck gets closer and closer, he rules
out the possibilities of a small boat or even a raft.
In the end there emerges from the surf a figure clad in a black wet-suit.
The scuba gear and the top of the wet suit are removed to reveal a
drop-dead-gorgeous blonde! The vision strides up to the stunned Scotsman
and says,
'Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?'
'Ten years,' replies the dazed Scotsman. At which, she reaches into a
waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit, and pulls out a
fresh pack of Players Navy Cut. He takes one, lights it, and inhales
s-l-o-w-l-y. 'Aye,' he says, 'that is so good I'd almost forgotten how
great a smoke can be!'
'And how long since you've had a drop of good Scotch whiskey?' the blonde
enquires. Trembling, the castaway replies, 'Ten years.'
Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips another
pocket and removes a flask. He opens it and takes a l-o-n-g swig. 'Tis
nectar of the gods!' he sighs in gratitude. 'Tis truly fantastic!!!'
At this point the gorgeous blonde starts to slowly unzip the long front of
her wet suit, right down the middle. She looks at the trembling man and
asks, 'And how long has it been since you played around?'
With tears in his eyes, the Scotsman falls to his knees. 'God almighty,'
he sobs. 'Dinna tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!'
~~~~~~~~
Are You in Tune?
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed.
The passion is heating up.

But then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.

" The husband says "WHAT??"
The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store.
He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits.

And then tells his wife.

We'll take all three of them.

Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each, and then goes to the Jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings.

The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). she goes for the tennis bracelet.

The husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it."

The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on.

She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."
The husband says," no - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff."
The wife's face goes blank.
"No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
Her face gets really red and she is about to explode and then the husband says,
"You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!!!!

~~~~~~~~`

Little Johnny

Fred and Mary got married but couldn't afford a honeymoon so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.Johnny asks, 'do you know what I think?

'His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

She replies, 'No.'Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?

'His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.'

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?

'His mom says, 'No.'He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom, getting aggravated replies, 'Ok then, now tell me what you think Johnny says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my model airplane glue.'

~~~~~~~

Paddy was a youthful and hard working Irishman at a coastal village in Ireland.
Daily he would pole a heavy old punt out to sea then work a heavy iron grapple to bring up the sand oysters which he sold to the local ice works.
He was a man of regular habits he always arrived home each day at a certain time. Sadly Paddy did not realise the heavy grappling was taking a toll on a faulty heart.
One day he failed to come home, so his wife contacted the Police to investigate him missing.
They rowed out and found Paddy dead in the punt, beside him a huge grapple full of oysters he'd tried to hoist aboard.
The headline next day in the 'Irish Times' Newspaper was.....
V

V

V

OYSTERS KILL PATRICK

~~~~~~~
Remember

'Good friends are like stars.....

....You don't always see them,

but you know they are always there'

'Remember yesterday, dream about tomorrow, but live today'