Monday, August 11, 2008

The Divorce letter

Gday everyone,hope the worlds treating you all well.
Not a lot happening here played Bowls twice this week .and now happily settled in front of the Television with cental heating on watching the Olympic games, just fantastic. Its broadcast here from about 10am through to 2am everyday, only stopping for the news at 6pm for 1hr.Wasn't the opening ceremony brilliant?.
Ill get around to visiting you all in the next few days.
Now on with a few jokes.. Enjoy.

GOOD AND SIMPLE REASON

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage,
'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?
'The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.
So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?
'The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic...

'Try doing it with the engine running
~~~~~~~`
Irish Indians

Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,.'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'
The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening.

If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.
Just then they came upon another cave.
The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Immediately, there was the answer. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.
The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.

There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call,

'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO!'

With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............
You'll like this
.NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!
~~~~~~~~
Divorce Letter -

Dear wife:I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.
I've been a good man to you for 7 years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last 2 weeks have been hell; your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.
You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all ofyour soaps.
You don't tell me you love me anymore;
you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife.
Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore;
Whatever the case,
I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. don't try to find me.
Your sister and I are moving away to West Virginia together!
Have a great day
========================================

Dear Ex-Husband
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true you and I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.I did notice your hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!
'Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.
When you cooked my favourite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my sister because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.About those new silk boxers:
I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had borrowed $50 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out.

So when I hit the lotto for $10 million, I quit my job and bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica but when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.
My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.
So take care.Signed,
Your Ex-Wife,
Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.
~~~~~~~~

A True Aussie Man
Only an Aussie man can make you feel like a woman.
A plane passed through a severe storm.
The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.
One woman lost it completely
She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she cried.
Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable!
Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'
For a moment, there was silence.
Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then the man from Australia stood up in the rear of the plane.
He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.
Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time.

No one moved.
He removed his shirt.
Muscles rippled across his chest.
She gasped
Then, he spoke
'Iron this --
and then get me a beer.'
~~~~~~

A lot of people will walk in and out of your life
But only true friends will leave footprints.

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15 Comments:

Blogger Gattina said...

The olympic opening was the best show I have ever seen !! Absolutely wonderful. What a lot of work there behind. I haven't seen the trooping the colors only on TV. I enjoy my stay here at the english coast very much it is so beautiful ! The only thing is the weather, it is cool and not very sunny !

August 12, 2008 3:11 am  
Blogger smilnsigh said...

I'm so glad you are having fun, watching the Olympics. It must be a great, long tv fest, for those who do enjoy it. :-)

Miss Mari-Nanci
'Smilnsigh' blog

August 12, 2008 3:46 am  
Blogger Gledwood said...

;->...

August 12, 2008 4:30 am  
Blogger Puss-in-Boots said...

Hi Jen, central heating, how lovely. I have a fan heater here, but Jane and Fred have central heating, as does Ken. I feel left out...

Loved the jokes...especially the divorce letter, how ironic.

Have a good week.

August 12, 2008 7:29 am  
Blogger megz_mum said...

Great jokes! Enjoy the Olympics, there is so much to watch!

August 12, 2008 11:53 am  
Blogger raccoonlover1963 said...

Hi Jen. I think I must be the only person who doesn't watch the Olympics. Great post. I especially liked the divorce letter.
Lisa

August 12, 2008 2:04 pm  
Blogger Merle said...

Hi Dear Jan ~~Great jokes, Like the others I liked the Divorce letters
best. Thanks for your comments and happily my blog has recovered. Glad you liked The Statue joke. The Olympics are great aren't they? It
sure is the weather to be indoors and watching. Hope to see you next week?
Take care dear friend, Love, Merle.

August 12, 2008 6:48 pm  
Blogger Gledwood said...

Talking of that "divorce letter"... have you ever seen those "happy divorce" cards that are meant to be springing up in card shops now (probably in America if the truth be told...)

... I've heard all about them but never seen any

(hey the market's definitely out there so...)

August 13, 2008 4:28 am  
Blogger sonia a.m. said...

Great jokes! LOL!
Have fun with the Olympics!
A big hug to you!

August 14, 2008 11:35 am  
Blogger Merle said...

Hi again Dear Jan ~~I agree the house feels nice and fresh after home help. Glad you liked the article Margaret sent me, and some of the jokes were good. I liked the bank robber.
It has been a very cold two or three weeks, but we will get there, with our heaters and electric blankets. I am looking forward to seeing you three girls. Glad the 20th is looking good. Take care, Love, Merle.

August 14, 2008 7:25 pm  
Blogger Kathi~Lavender, Lace and Thyme said...

Good Morning Jen!

LOL...I loved the divorce letter! Have a great day!

Kathi :)

August 16, 2008 9:31 pm  
Blogger Merle said...

Dear Jan ~~ Thanks for your comments and glad you liked the jokes.
Looking forward to seeing you next week. Take care, Love, Merle. I see Peter has a new blog.

August 16, 2008 10:51 pm  
Blogger Heart of Rachel said...

Thanks for sharing these funny jokes.

I enjoyed watching the opening of the Olympics. The presentations were spectacular.

August 16, 2008 11:01 pm  
Blogger Gina E. said...

One thing about being home all week with this cold is that we got to watch the Olympics nearly all day every day!! I just love our swimming girls - they are all so cheerful and having such a great time, they make me laugh and smile along with them whenever they're up on the podium collecting medals!

August 17, 2008 11:14 pm  
Blogger rusty in miami said...

I am also hook on the Olympics; our TV coverage goes on to 1am. The luck of sleep is doing a number on me.

August 18, 2008 8:54 am  

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