Aussie Humour

Hi everyone, Just a little laughter tonight .

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Blonde Revenge

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.She takes the gun and puts it to her head.The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"The blonde replies,

"Shut up, you're next!"

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Blondes ?Pregnant?

A woman telephoned a veterinarian and asked him to come examine her cat. "I don't know what's wrong with her," the woman told him. "She looks as if she's going to have kittens, but that's impossible. She's never been out of the house except for when I had her on a leash." The vet examined the cat and said there was no question about her pregnancy. "But she can't be," protested the woman. "It's impossible." At that point a large tom cat emerged from under the sofa. "How about him?" asked the vet. "Don't be silly," answered the woman.

"That's her brother."
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Dentist Visit
When they came in, I greeted them warmly, seated Kelsey, and, as usual, put on my gloves, goggles, and mask. About ten minutes into the procedure, Kelsey got scared and cried, "I want my mommy!" I quickly pulled off my mask and said, "I AM your mommy." Without hesitation, my daughter yelled back, "Then I want my granny!"
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Silver Hair
A retired gentlemen went into the social security office to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line a long time, he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.
He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks.
The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing lost of curly silver hair.
She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me." and she processes his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.
She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."

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Neverending bottle
A man who spent a long, relaxed day with a few friendly bottles was meandering homeward when he saw a man lying half submerged in a ditch.

With the courage of several bottles, and no hesitation, our hero jumped in, dragged the man out and shook him thoroughly
.When the man came to, he said "thank you for rescuing me, I'm not a normal man, I'm really a Genie, and the person who released me hit me after making but one wish;
you can have the two remaining wishes".Our man had no difficulty in accepting his good fortune, and thought long and hard for 0.02 seconds.
"I'll have a bottle of whiskey that never runs empty" The Genie waved a hand and a full bottle appeared.
Our man took a big gulp or ten, squinted carefully at the bottle and saw that it was still as full as it was when it first appeared.

"Wonderfull!!!" he said, "Give me another one of those!!!!!"

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Blondes & shoes.

A blonde was on vacation and driving through Darwin.
She desperately wanted to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own crocodile, so I can get a pair of shoes for free" The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try"! The blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile! Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the bank where he spots the same young woman standing waist deep> in the murky water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 3 metre croc swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy banks of the river. Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled and flipped the Croc onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out....... "SH1T, SH1T, SH1T, THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO"!

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