Saturday, August 23, 2008

Time for a few jokes..

WHY GOD MADE MUMS

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the sticky tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us
.2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mum just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string,
I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mum?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's Mums like me.
What kind of little girl was your Mum?
1. My Mum has always been my Mum and none of that other stuff
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did Mum need to know about Dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your Mum marry your Dad?
1. My Dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mum eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My Grandma says that Mum didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mum doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mum. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed
.3. I guess Mum is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad
.
What's the difference between Mums & Dads?
1. Mums work at work and work at home and Dads just go to work at work.
2. Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but Mums have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Mums have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your Mum do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your Mum perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your Mum, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mum smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.
MOTHERS, GRANDMOTHERS, AUNTS

And anyone else who has aything to do with kids
needs a good laugh!

________

Kids Are Quick
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .

MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
_____________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
___________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?
'GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L
'TEACHER: No, that's wrong GLENN:
Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
_____________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
____________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!
__________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
____________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'MILLIE:
All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
____________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
_____________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
_____________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
______________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*

A First Grade Story
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.

She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.
She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'
" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I know...he said---'Holy Shit! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

LITTLE JOHNNY ON... PHILOSOPHY:
A Teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gun shot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU.
There are Three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.
To which Little Johnny replied,
"The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A woman answered her front door and found Little Johnny holding a list.

lady," Johnny explained,

I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper so I can earn a dollar.

""Wow," the woman replied.

Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?

""My babysitter's boyfriend."

~~~~****~~~~

to end with a few quotes

"Happiness is the meaning and the purpose of life, the whole aim and end of human existence."

--Aristotle

The first rule is to keep an untroubled spirit. The second is to look things in the face and know them for what they are."--Marcus Aurelius

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"To live happily is an inward power of the soul."--Marcus Aurelius

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"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring family in another city."--George Burns

```````
"Happiest are the people who give most happiness to others."--Dennis Diderot

``````
"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down." George Burns.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

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10 Comments:

Blogger raccoonlover1963 said...

Great post Jen. The way my day has gone so far, I needed the laugh!
Lisa

August 16, 2008 1:39 am  
Blogger Diane@Diane's Place said...

Some of these I'd seen before, but some of them were new to me. Good for a few laughs anyway!

Hope you have a great weekend, Jen. :o)

Love and hugs,

Diane

August 16, 2008 3:38 pm  
Blogger Puss-in-Boots said...

Hi Jen. Oh, aren't those kids priceless? l love reading about the things they say...sometimes there's a lot of wisdom in their unwitting words.

Have a good weekend.

August 16, 2008 8:29 pm  
Anonymous Diane of Crafty Passions said...

Thanks for the smiles, people really need to smile more these days!!
Have a good weekend
Diane

August 24, 2008 3:40 am  
Blogger Gattina said...

I recognize myself, lol ! Some answers also fit for a wife !!

August 24, 2008 3:34 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Dear Jan ~~ Great post and lots of laughs. My fave was the talking pig I think. Loved them all. Thank you for your comments, and like you I choose to be in a good mood always. I am so glad you enjoyed your day here, we all did I reckon. Thank you for the photos and we all looked OK. Geoff trimmed a lot off the overhanging trees in my front and back gardens so more light can get in now. He used Lorraine's long handled tree lopper.
Then they went off to get a trailer load of wood at Mathoura. Take care dear friend, Love, Merle. x x

August 24, 2008 7:15 pm  
Blogger Lady Di Tn said...

What great funnies. I just love kid jokes and the little Johnny's are always a hoot. Glad you got to celebrate for two days and that not bad for achieving 2 numbers. Peace be with you.

August 26, 2008 12:19 am  
Blogger Alice said...

"God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean." --I think that kid has it about right. :) It is back to school season here and these funnies fit right in.

August 26, 2008 1:35 am  
Blogger Merle said...

Hi again Jan ~~ Thanks for your comments, and I am not keen on
motorcycles either. John has one and rides it quite a bit. He is in Ulysses Club and a Far Riders' one wher they meet up in some place which has to be a 500 km ride. I hope you got your early night to catch up after some busy days.. Take great care, my friend, Love, Merle.

August 28, 2008 9:31 pm  
Blogger Heart of Rachel said...

Hi Jen. I love the line "Happiest are the people who give most happiness to others." I always feel a sense of fulfillment and happiness whenever I help someone.

September 01, 2008 6:34 pm  

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