Church Humour

Hi Everyone, Not a lot to report as ive had a quiet few days..

so tonight a few Jokes my friend Aaron from Oklahoma sent me.

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WAKE UP
One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."
"Why not?" she asked.
I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them."
His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church. 1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!"

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THE PICNIC
A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.
"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham.
Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."
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THE USHER

An elderly woman walked into the local country church.
The friendly
usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.
"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row please," she answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said.
"The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No." he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No." she said.
"Good," he answered.
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SHOW AND TELL
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion.
The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."
The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."
The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am Baptist, and this is a casserole.
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TWENTY TO ONE
A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired.
As they moved
along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country. "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean ." "Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!" "So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"
The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church , the Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church ..."
The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"
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GOAT FOR DINNER
A young couple invited their pastor to Sunday dinner.
While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister was visiting with their young son and asked what they were having for dinner.
"Goat", said the boy.
"Goat?', asked the pastor? "Are you sure?"
"Oh yes", answered the boy. "This morning my dad told my mom "This is as good a day as any to have the old goat for dinner."
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IN THE CONFESSION BOX
A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest cough to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies, "No use knocking, there's no paper in this one either."

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A SMALL SERVICE ONE SUNDAY MORNING
A husband and wife attend a small service at the local church one Sunday morning. The man was very moved by the preacher's sermon, so he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I ever did hear!" The Reverend replied, "Oh! Why, thank you sir, but please, I'd appreciate it if you didn't use profanity in the Lord's house.""I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself... it was such a damn good sermon!" The Reverend replied, "Sir, please, I cannot have you behaving this way in Church!""Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so damn good, that I put $5,000 in the collection plate."The Reverend's eyes opened wide as he remarked, "No Shit!"

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May your spirit keep the freedom of a butterfly in spring

And your heart be filled with the joys of simple things.

May your essence claim the freshness of the new laid morning dew

.And may the beauty of a new day bring happiness to you.

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