Monday, June 18, 2007

A Little Aussie Humour

Max Brown, a young father-to-be, was waiting anxiously outside the maternity ward where his wife was producing their first baby.
As he paced the floor, a nurse popped her head round the door. "You've a little boy, Mr. Brown," she said, "But we think you'd better go and have a cup of coffee because there might be another!" Max turned a little pale and left.
Some time later, he rang the hospital and was told he was the father of twins. "But," the nurse went on, "We're sure there's another on the way.
Ring back again in a little while."
At that, Max decided that coffee was not nearly strong enough.
He ordered a few beers and rang the hospital again, only to be told a 3rd baby had arrived and a fourth was imminent.
Whitefaced, he stumbled to the bar and ordered a double scotch.
Twenty minutes later, he tried the phone again, but he was in such a state that he dialed the wrong number and got the recorded cricket score.
When they picked him up off the floor of the phone box, the recording was still going strong: "The score is 96 all out, and the last one was a duck."
A motorist was driving quietly along the road when, suddenly, his eyes goggled as, believe it or not, he espied a three-legged chook running beside him.

It suddenly made a right hand turn, heading up a side track towards a nearby farm house. Intrigued, the motorist decided to follow the chook.
At the end of the track, he met a farmer leaning on a gate.
The motorist said, “You probably won’t believe this, but I reckon I saw a three-legged chook running this way".
The farmer was nonchalant in response. “Yep, we breed them here.”“But why?” asked the motorist.
Well, you see, I like a leg, my wife likes a leg, and me son likes a leg.”

“And what do they taste like?”“Dunno”, replied the farmer, “no one can catch the little bastards.”

[Chook = chicken in Aussie lingo]
"A bit more choke and you would've started mate" - (when someone farts loudly in public).
"A few kangaroos loose in the top paddock" - (a bit slow ).
"As happy as a dog in a hub-cap factory"
"As nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs".
"As dry as a dead dingo's donger" - (very thirsty).
"As useful as an ashtray on a motorbike" - (unhelpful person).
"Away with the pixies" - (daydreaming).
"Bloody Oath!" - (that's true).
"Better ask me cheese and kisses" - (better ask the Mrs).
"Bite your bum" - (Be quiet).
"Bob's your Uncle" - (it will be alright).
"Carry on like a pork chop" - (behave foolishly).
"Chuck a Sickie" - (Take the day off work when you're perfectly healthy).
"Chuck a Leftie" - (Turn left).
"Chuck a Yewie" - (Do a U-turn).
"Chuck a Wobbly" - (Get angry).
"Drink with the flies" - (To drink alone).
"Don't come the raw prawn with me mate" - (Don't attempt to deceive me).
"Drown some worms" - (Go fishing).
"Don't get your knickers in a knot" - (Don't get agitated).
"Every bastard and his dog was there, mate" - (It was crowded).
"Flat out like a lizard drinking" - (Very busy).
"Fair crack of the whip" - (Fair go).
"Five finger discount" - (Shoplifting).
"He couldn't fight his way out of a paper bag" - (He's weak).
"He couldn't run a bath" - (Hopeless at running a business).
"He's as confused as a pick-pocket at a nudist camp".
"I could eat a horse and chase the jockey mate " - (I'm very hungry).
"I think I'll make like a guillotine and head off " - (I'm going home).
"Pig's arse" - ( I don't agree with you).
"We're in the middle of bloody woop-woop mate" - (we're lost).
That's it mate, so hooroo from all of us !



Blogger Gattina said...

Ha, ha I like the guillotine and the nudist camp ! Good expressions !

June 19, 2007 12:12 am  
Blogger RUTH said...

Great jokes. A few of these phrases we use here in England too... I wonder if a dingo's donger is what I think it is! Can I assume a lady dingo wouldn't have one?

June 19, 2007 2:20 am  
Blogger Renae said...

Way to funny!!! I love all those sayings. We use some of those over here in Canada. I've got the day off today so I'm catching up on everyones blog. Glad to see you are in good spirits and health is on your side. Much blessings to you for a terrific relaxing week!!!

Cheers from Renae

June 19, 2007 2:57 am  
Blogger Jim said...

Hi Jen, Hooroo = goodbye, but I had to look it up.

I'm really having a rought time. with the duck? I found this,
"duck (cricket): In cricket, a duck denotes a batsman getting out for a score of zero and usually used in the saying "Out for a duck""

Trouble is I don't know if 'getting out for a score of zero' is good or bad. From the other Googled items it seems it might be good.
Oh yes, "I think I'll make like a guillotine and head off "

June 19, 2007 1:50 pm  
Blogger Pamela said...

a few of those (rocking chair and cats, Bob's your uncle etc)
are well known in the circles I run, too.

Because we are a "bubble short of plumb"

June 19, 2007 3:47 pm  
Blogger Hootin'Anni said...

Tooooooo funny. I like the chook one best. *laughing* ----"can't catch the bastards". What a hoot.

We, here at our house have the same saying ---"As nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs". Well, actually it's my hubby's favorite if given the opportunity.

June 19, 2007 9:17 pm  
Blogger Peter said...

Hi Jan, good selection, we'll educate those Yanks and kanuks yet.

June 19, 2007 11:36 pm  
Blogger Gina E. said...

Good fun Jen..God only knows we need some humour in Australia at the moment...

June 20, 2007 12:46 am  
Blogger Merle said...

Hi Jan ~~ Great jokes and Aussie
Sayings. Some of them are really good
though not all are used these days.
Thanks for your comments. and glad you liked If You Never and the Ponder
things. Take care, Love, Merle.

June 20, 2007 12:51 am  
Blogger LZ Blogger said...

Jan - I sure wish I would have had those Aussie sayings with me a couple of summers ago when my wife and I were Downunder. That reminds me... when you folks come to the states, do you say "We are going Up-above?" ~ jb///

June 20, 2007 4:14 am  
Blogger Val said...

Those Aussie sayings are great, Jen! I love the first one, even though I've never heard of that particular one. Quite a few of those are rhyming slang, which is a dying art in Australia, I think. We were just talking about that last night. I don't think the younger generations would recognise most of those, do you? Pity, really. I'm going to test them out on my sons (20 and 22).

June 20, 2007 3:57 pm  
Blogger Puss-in-Boots said...

Good old Aussie sayings, Jen. I also like "performing like a trained seal" (putting on a prima donna act).

June 20, 2007 9:58 pm  
Blogger Merle said...

Hi again Jan ~~ Thanks for your comments and I am glad you had a roast lamb dinner at Paulines. Better
than a date with Tom Cruise any day!!
Even when he was a nice guy!!
Take care, Love, Merle.

June 21, 2007 5:31 pm  
Blogger Sonia A. Mascaro said...

I like the "AUSSIE SAYINGS" and also the jokes! Laugh is a great thing!

Thanks for your visiting and nice comment!

Have a good day!

June 22, 2007 1:48 am  
Blogger Meow said...

Hi Jeanette, sorry about the email address problem ... for some reason I'd turned it off in my profile !! Anyway, email me on ... thanks.
Hope all is well.
Take care, Meow

June 22, 2007 7:30 am  
Blogger Heart of Rachel said...

Hi Jeanette. Nice to hear from you. Thanks for spreading some laughter.

I feel great now that the weekend is here. I've been taking Yohan to school for 3 weeks now and I always look forward to the weekend so I can wake up leisurely on my own pace without worrying that we'll be late for school. Take care!

June 22, 2007 4:18 pm  
Blogger Merle said...

Hi Jan ~~Thanks for your comments and get well wishes - I will be fine and
have some chicken soup cooking in the crockpot. I hope you and Donna have a wonderful week at Hervey Bay.
Take care my friend, Love, Merle.

June 22, 2007 9:22 pm  
Blogger Momma Bear said...

Too funny!!
I've used some of those here in the ststes & i even resemble one or 2 of them ;)

heres my favorite
"dumb as a box of hair & about as usefull!"

June 24, 2007 1:32 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How funny. A few I have heard here in the states, but many are new to me! :)

June 26, 2007 11:03 am  

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