A Little Aussie Humour

Max Brown, a young father-to-be, was waiting anxiously outside the maternity ward where his wife was producing their first baby.
As he paced the floor, a nurse popped her head round the door. "You've a little boy, Mr. Brown," she said, "But we think you'd better go and have a cup of coffee because there might be another!" Max turned a little pale and left.
Some time later, he rang the hospital and was told he was the father of twins. "But," the nurse went on, "We're sure there's another on the way.
Ring back again in a little while."
At that, Max decided that coffee was not nearly strong enough.
He ordered a few beers and rang the hospital again, only to be told a 3rd baby had arrived and a fourth was imminent.
Whitefaced, he stumbled to the bar and ordered a double scotch.
Twenty minutes later, he tried the phone again, but he was in such a state that he dialed the wrong number and got the recorded cricket score.
When they picked him up off the floor of the phone box, the recording was still going strong: "The score is 96 all out, and the last one was a duck."
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A motorist was driving quietly along the road when, suddenly, his eyes goggled as, believe it or not, he espied a three-legged chook running beside him.

It suddenly made a right hand turn, heading up a side track towards a nearby farm house. Intrigued, the motorist decided to follow the chook.

At the end of the track, he met a farmer leaning on a gate.
The motorist said, “You probably won’t believe this, but I reckon I saw a three-legged chook running this way".

The farmer was nonchalant in response. “Yep, we breed them here.”“But why?” asked the motorist.

Well, you see, I like a leg, my wife likes a leg, and me son likes a leg.”

“And what do they taste like?”“Dunno”, replied the farmer, “no one can catch the little bastards.”

[Chook = chicken in Aussie lingo]

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"HERE'S A COUPLA GOOD OL AUSSIE SAYINGS"
"A bit more choke and you would've started mate" - (when someone farts loudly in public).
"A few kangaroos loose in the top paddock" - (a bit slow ).
"As happy as a dog in a hub-cap factory"
"As nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs".
"As dry as a dead dingo's donger" - (very thirsty).
"As useful as an ashtray on a motorbike" - (unhelpful person).
"Away with the pixies" - (daydreaming).
"Bloody Oath!" - (that's true).
"Better ask me cheese and kisses" - (better ask the Mrs).
"Bite your bum" - (Be quiet).
"Bob's your Uncle" - (it will be alright).
"Carry on like a pork chop" - (behave foolishly).
"Chuck a Sickie" - (Take the day off work when you're perfectly healthy).
"Chuck a Leftie" - (Turn left).
"Chuck a Yewie" - (Do a U-turn).
"Chuck a Wobbly" - (Get angry).
"Drink with the flies" - (To drink alone).
"Don't come the raw prawn with me mate" - (Don't attempt to deceive me).
"Drown some worms" - (Go fishing).
"Don't get your knickers in a knot" - (Don't get agitated).
"Every bastard and his dog was there, mate" - (It was crowded).
"Flat out like a lizard drinking" - (Very busy).
"Fair crack of the whip" - (Fair go).
"Five finger discount" - (Shoplifting).
"He couldn't fight his way out of a paper bag" - (He's weak).
"He couldn't run a bath" - (Hopeless at running a business).
"He's as confused as a pick-pocket at a nudist camp".
"I could eat a horse and chase the jockey mate " - (I'm very hungry).
"I think I'll make like a guillotine and head off " - (I'm going home).
"Pig's arse" - ( I don't agree with you).
"We're in the middle of bloody woop-woop mate" - (we're lost).
That's it mate, so hooroo from all of us !